I play video games. A lot. Perhaps too much, but that is a discussion for another time. What I do not do, however, is play the latest releases as soon as they come out. Even if I did, the way I play a game, leave it, come back to it, leave again and start another one, then forgetting about the first one for six months before finally beating it, means that I will always be late to the game as far as reviews go.
Good thing I'm not trying to do this for a living, eh?
So, with that in mind I have decided to start a new, completely irregular, feature - "Late to the Game" video game reviews!
I figure it'll last about two articles before I get completely bored with it. However, before that happens I ask you to join me as I try (and fail) to equate the God of War games with your first prom date!
Yes, I am only now, a year and a half after its release, getting around to playing God of War 2. Actually, I got the game for Christmas last year, a mere ten months after release, but it was only a week ago that I actually popped it into the 'ol PS3.
Now, usually I like to play a game all the way through before reviewing it because I feel that games, like novels, movies, and music albums, should be reviewed as a whole. However, sometimes I just feel the need to savage a game before finishing it.
Hence this article on GoW2.
So, how is God of War 2 like your first prom date?
Actually, it isn't. GoW2 is more like remembering how awesome your first prom date was while you go through the same tired motions with her three years later. See, prom was a series of first for you. It was the first time you'd gotten a pretty girl to go out with you; it was the first time you'd snuck a bottle of your dad's whiskey; it was the first time you'd ever gotten (and in quick succession, too) a hand job, a blow job, and puke on your shoes.
Truly a magical time.
Three years later though, and you've realized that a) there are prettier girls out there, and b) they know how to do many new and different things! The same old handjob/blowjob combo just ain't cutting it anymore. But at least you can hold your whiskey now.
Now, God of War 2 is a fine game. It is pretty, and it is challenging, and I could even call it fun. I could call it fun, but I won't since I find playing it to be a chore.
Why? Is it not the highly anticipated sequel to one of the blockbuster games of 2005? Does it not take the tight controls, high-energy hack'n'slash game play, and awesome boss fight from the first game to the next level?
Well, yes, it mostly does do that. It also presents a wonderfully realized world, full of rich detail and sympathetic characters that players can lose themselves in. The first problem is the fact that like your first prom date, Gow2 does nothing new. While this could be overlooked in other circumstances, it is exacerbated by the fact that the main character, Kratos, is a colossally unlikeable wanker with sever anger management issues.
Kratos' anger in the first game was understandable. He had screwed up royally and just wanted a little peace of mind. Instead he found himself betrayed by Ares, forced by the other Olympian gods to go on a game-long fetch quest in order to kill Ares, and maybe/possibly getting absolved of his great sin while at it.
The problem is that the gods never said that they could make Kratos forget what he had done, merely that they would forgive him if he did as they said. When Kratos realizes that the only way he can ever hope to move on with his life is to forgive himself, he tries to kill himself via cliff dive. Instead of dying, though, Athena saves him and makes him the new God of War.
One would think that this would be a pretty sweet gig, no? I mean wine, women, and all the brutal dismemberment of your enemies you can stand!
The start of God of War 2, though, finds Kratos, still at war with his own soul and still pissed at the gods for not doing what he wanted, having his Spartan armies conquering cities, and massacring millions. The gods of Olympus are rather alarmed at Kratos' behavior of course, and demand that he cease and desist. Kratos still has his mad-on though, and growls at them to STFU, GTFO and LHTFA (leave him the fuck alone) because nobody understands his pain!
Boohoo you fucking emo-cutter pussy, get over yourself! I swear, Cloud "Wah-wah-I'm-only-a-lousy-clone-of-a-psychotic-mama's-boy" Strife was more of a man than Kratos. Hell, the most useless FF character ever, Squall Leonheart, was more of a man than Kratos! At least they both manned up in the end and tried to do something about their lives.
For the sake of fairness I suppose I should point out that the gods of Olympus are a pretty unlikable bunch as well. However, Zeus' dickery is at least understandable in that he's trying to break the cycle of sons killing their fathers by killing his own son (Kratos). Kratos though...Kratos is just a dick.
Kratos spends the whole game (up to the point I'm at, at least) grimacing and shouting loudly about how he won't let Fate screw him over anymore. Every line spoken, every character he interacts with, is done with a grimace, a growl, and threats. Even his own soldiers aren't safe from his abuse. All game long, for the last fourteen hours. And frankly, I've gotten really tired of his shit.
So it is that I find myself controlling Kratos as he faces off against Lachesis in the first battle with the Fates to change his fate. As soon as the battle was joined I found myself questioning whether or not I cared if Kratos won. Was slogging through another twenty minute boss battle worth it? After getting my ass handed to me the first time I tried to fight Lachesis, I have to say, no, it isn't. After fourteen hours of gameplay I find that I am not vested enough in the fate of Kratos to care what happens to him.
So I am ending it there. I am ejecting the disc; deleting the save file; and putting the game up for trade on Goozex (where, uh, it looks like there are 54 people ahead of me also trying to get rid of the game). Thus it will be that in my particular quantum wave form of reality Kratos will forever be getting his ass handed to him by a scantily-dressed westernized ideal of Fate.
Recommendation: Play the first GoW over again, and leave Kratos to his fate. Also dump your high school girlfriend and get with one of those freaky coeds that seem to populate College Humor.
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