He Who Needs Not Be Named and I were chatting the other day when he mentioned something that I had never given thought to before, but that once it was pointed out to me I couldn't stop thinking about. HWNNBN (what, you think I'm going to keep typing that out?) posited that since Wolverine's claws were made of metal (unbreakable adamantium, for those not geeky enough to know), then it should stand to reason that he should be electrocuted whenever he rams his claws into a robot's power source.
Now, given that Wolverine has a mutant healing factor this slight oversight on the part of comic book writers isn't really that big of a deal. Sure, Wolverine risks a short death every time Ultron or the Sentinels attack, but at worst, I thought, it would be a minor inconvenience for everyone's favorite comic book Canuck.
Then HWNNBN sent me the below email, and I realized how wrong I was. Death is not nearly the worst thing that Wolverine faces; not by far.
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(Our scene opens with Wolverine, Cyclops, and Rogue fighting several U-bots (robot minions of Ultron) in a shipyard. Cyclops starts taking them out from a distance as Rogue barrels through them)
Wolverine: I'm not gonna let them have all the fun. (He dives at a cluster of four U-bots. He starts by slicing the head off of the first and throws the body at two others. Then he lunges at the fourth and plants his claws directly into it's chest.
As soon as his fists hit the U-bot's chest his hair sticks straight out, he starts shaking uncontrollably, and smoke starts comes out of his nose and ears. He continues his electrocution mambo until Cyclops blasts the U-bot away. Wolverine falls to the ground in a slight smoking heap.)
Cyclops: Logan, are you all right? (He rushes over and kneels on one knee to check his fallen team mate)
(Rogue flies in and lands a couple yards away from Cyclops and Wolverine. She starts towards the two men.)
Rogue: Oh mah gawd. Is he gonna be alri- (she is cut off by a 'splish' sound) WHAT THE HELL?!? (She looks down at ground) Oh damn that's lotta piss!
Cyclops: Fuck! It is piss and I'm kneeling in it! (He jumps backs and starts urgently wiping at his knee) How much frigging beer did you drink today? It's not even 4:00pm yet!
(Wolverine struggles to get to his feet)
Wolverine: That's not mine, bub.
Cyclops: Tell that to my dry cleaners, Logan.
Wolverine: No, really. That was already there.
Rogue: Raight, Wolvie. Some one else just happened to take a HUGE piss right here before our fight.
Cyclops: It's still warm.
(Wolverine is visibly agitated at this)
Wolverine: Look, I just took about 10,000 volts and was dead for a few moments there. Let's see either of you do that and keep your pants dry.
Cyclops: I suppose you have a point.
Rogue: Okay, okay. Calm down, darlin'. It's not that bigga deal.
(Wolverine brushes himself off as best he can)
Wolverine: Now let's just keep this little incident to ourselves and get going.
(Cyclops and Rogue look and one another and then bust out laughing. Wolverine is very obviously pissed off by this)
Wolverine: All right, fuck you both. I pissed myself, it happens, now grow the fuck up and let it go.
(Cyclops has to take off his visor to wipe the tears away and Rogue is nearly doubled over laughing.)
Rogue: Darlin' it's not that. (She points over Wolverine's shoulder) Look behind you.
(Wolverine looks very puzzled but slowly turns around to see the Avengers, Fantastic Four, Spider-man, and a host of other New York based heroes all standing in the ship yard)
Spider-man: We saw the fireworks and came to help but it looks like you put the fire out all by yourself, Wolvie.
(All of the assembled heroes start laughing hysterically. Wolverine's shoulders slump.)
Wolverine: I'll be in the Blackbird.
Cyclops: Not unless you lay down a towel or something, mister.
(END)
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Oh, Dignity, Logan hardly knew ye!
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