A Bureaucracy of One

Hell is Popular Radio

Ouch.  I got all of 2 hits yesterday, but only one of them was from that last article.  And I was so certain that it was genius, too!  I mean "gratuitous pantry shots"?  C'mon, that was worth a least a chuckle, wasn't it?  A titter?  A weak smile?

Feh.  Fine, so once more my genius goes unrecognized by the rest of the world.  I'd like to say that I had something on tap for today that would blow your mind and make up for the disaster from yesterday, but I don't.  All I have is a strong desire to go to sleep, a new video game, and new snow tires.  Oh, and a deep, deep loathing for commercial radio.

Only those last two are actually related.

See, I needed to get some snowshoes for my little Mountain Hare, and I had been putting off getting them because I needed a specific adapter for four of my lug nuts that I did not have.  Why did my brand new car not come with it?  I can only speculate, but I have been fortunate in that I did not suffer a flat in the last year.  I was also fortunate in that I didn't slide off the road last winter due to not having snow tires.

Well, today I decided to finally do something about both the adapter and the tires, and so I went to the nearest dealership to purchase the part I needed.  After the Parts Manager dug through my car to verify that it was indeed missing, he went to his computer to order the part.  And this is what he said to me, and I quote this line verbatim;

"Oh, you're not going to like this."

No, I didn't much like it, at least, not right away.  See the manufacturer of my car had realized how @#^ing stupid it was to have locking lug nuts on a modern car, so they have been phasing them out of all new cars, and the particular adapter I needed was no longer being sold.  However, he told me, I could order a $65 kit that came with four NEW locking lug nuts, and a brand new adapter!...but I would still need to have the Service Department use their master key to take out my old lug nuts and replace them with new ones.  

So what does this have to do with my newfound appreciation of Hell?  Well, my displeasure was evident in both my face and tone as I whined about needing to get snow tires on the next day, and that is when the Parts Manager pointed out that they carried snow tires.  When he showed them to me I realized that they were selling a set of 4 General Altimax (rated by Consumer Reports as being second only to the Michelin X-Ice for Winter Driving Conditions), for about $50-$70 less than I had been quoted by the place where I usually get my tires.  Plus, the Service Manager told me that they would pull the locking lugs and replace them with standard lugs at no cost!  So, I agreed then and there to purchase the tires and have them mounted and balanced.  Taking my laptop bag in hand, I went up to the "Business Lounge" and took advantage of the free wireless while I waited for my car to be ready.

And that is when I entered into Hell.

For you see, the dealership - a bright, brittle, manufactured image of idealized commercial convenience that is anathema to sane humans to begin with - had a large stereo sound system on the upper floor where I was seated, and it was playing 97.1KZHT Salt Lake's Home for all the Hit Music!  Apparently "Hit Music" means "we Autotuned the shite of it!", because I don't think I heard one song that hadn't been tainted by that by-blow of the digital mixing revolution.

Now, I've suffered through listening to this tripe before, but this time was different.  This time I couldn't get up and walk away.  I couldn't leave; change the station; or assault random people until they turned it off.  And it is only now, as I type this, that I realize I had my headphones in my laptop bag, and could have very easily used them and not have had to suffer through Miley Cyrus aborting her newest song into my eardrums.

I am such an idiot.  I didn't have to suffer through nearly to hours of Autotuned ear-buggery.  I didn't have to, but I did.

Well, my own stupidity aside, my suffering did provide a valuable insight to me that I wish to share.  In the middle of bemoaning my anguish I realized that Autotune is in the same position that synthesizers were in during the the 80's.  Both have received maulings form critics for propping up talentless wankers, but as synthesizers eventually matured and found their place in music, I predict so too shall Autotune.  Once the novelty of making someone like Cher sound less like a robot (and someone like Miley Cyrus sound more like Cher), wears off, then we will see Autotune finally come into its own and be accepted as a legitimate tool for musicians.

There are already glimpses of what it can do, and how its dark power can be harnessed for Good of all Mankind.  The best example that I can think of is Imogen Heap's "Hide & Seek".  Her voice, already soulful and otherworldly, takes on a new edge with Autotune, and the song really manages to strike a deep chord, moreso because of the electronic manipulation.

And that is all I have for today!

December Challenge - 30 Posts in 30 Days

Geez, I haven't updated in over two months and my traffic is still averaging over 3 views a day?  imagine what could happen if I updated every day, for like, a month! I might be able to hit *gasp* 4 page views a day!

My heart is all a-flutter with excitement at the possibilities.

So yes, I haven't been here in awhile.  I almost posted something back at the end of October, but got bored after the first paragraph. Damn, I am hungry!  I really need to get something to eat! Ah, Wasabi & Soy Sauce Almonds! These will take the edge off.  So as I was saying, I have simply had little interest in posting anything these past two months - a malaise that affects me every year - and thus have been funneling my efforts into worthwhile things.  What sorts of things?  Well, obviously things that are worthwhile!  Like, there was this one thing that was worth much of my while, so I whiled away many hours discovering just how much it was worth.

Don't judge me.

To celebrate my return blogging, and to try and get my ass into gear, and to vainly struggle to raise my blog above the Cosmic Microwave Background of the blogosphere, and to tone up my writing skills, and to...right.  I've issued a challenge to myself to do at least 30 posts in 30 days during the month of December.  I'll be featuring this post on the top of my blog for the month of December, so please feel free to drop by the Comments if you have any ideas for articles you'd like to see me write, or to harass me if I start to waver in my commitment.

So, onward to glory and all that shite.

3.0

Well, it only took three years of half-assing this thing, but I've finally hit an average of three page views a day.

That's right!  I now AVERAGE a total of 3 page views per DAY!  Watch out Boing Boing, I'm coming for you!

Symmetry, Sex, And 1 AM Rambling

Dammit, I need to either follow one more person and gain one more follower on Twitter, or I need to lose one follower. Then, and only then, will symmetry be attained, and balance struck. 26 and 51 are such vulgar numbers!

A friend of mine signed me up for one of those free online dating services that seem to be sprouting up  like Karenia brevis off the coast of Florida... no, wait, that doesn't work.  It should be blooming like Karenia brevis off the coast of Florida, but the dating sites aren't blooming, they're popping up.  Hurhn...I need to think about this.

Okay, how about "popping up like porn on Julie Amero's computer"! Yeah, I like it. Now, where was I?  Oh, yes, right! 

...one of those free online dating services that seem to be popping up all over the place like porn on Julie Amero's computer, and for the past week I have been setting up my profile.  Or rather, I've been trying to set up my profile, but getting stuck.

The problem lies in the ridiculous tell-us-how-awesome-you-are sections of the profile.  My nameless friend (indeed, he Need Not Be Named) decided to do a quick and dirty setup, and swiped a bunch of material from my FB profile.  All well and good, but it makes me sound like a bit of a tool.  And while the one or two friends who actually read this blog might argue that it is because I am a tool, I wrote that stuff specifically because anyone looking for me on FB already knows who I am, and doesn't need the Cliff Notes to my life.

People reading my profile on a dating site do.

So, I need to rewrite quite a bit of my profile, but I get stumped at what to say.  Standard practice seems to be to write about oneself in glowing terms, while still trying to maintain a down-to-earth attitude.  After all, no one needs to know I'm a colossal dick right off the bat, but writing about how awesome my dick is will clue them faster than might be advisable.

Not that I am a colossal dick.  No, my dickishness, or Pre-disposition for Egregious Infantile Stupidity rating (my P.E.N.I.S, if you will) is actually quite small, er, low.  It's just that because I've never been a particularly good salesman, I have no idea what to say about myself, or how to say, to make people interested in me. 

And that's what a dating site boils down to; it's a platform for people to make sales pitches to possibly interested parties.

p.s. Baby Hedgehogs

Excuses - I Have 'Em and You Don't Wanna Hear 'Em

You might think I'd forgotten that I have a blog, and that occasionally people read it.  You'd be mostly right.  Truth is that I hadn't so much forgotten about ABoO, but rather forgot that I need to make a conscious effort to post.  While life is certainly much easier when you don't do anything, I have to say that it sure as hell is boring!

Also, I got Puzzle Quest: Galactrix last week, exactly a week ago today in fact, and much like its predecessor, Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords, it was so damned good that I couldn't put it down.  How good was it?  So good that when I started playing it last Saturday evening around 6:30, I kept playing until the darkness of night turned grey, and the sun began to rise at 5:30 the next morning!

Yeah, PQ:G is addictive.  Really, really addictive.  And now that I've beaten it I will place it back in its case; set it up a shelf next to PQ:CotW; and never play it again!  I have far too many other video games to play, trails to ride, and d-i-y projects to do to, to lose that much time to its insidiously fun ...er, funness.

Speaking of video games, I am finally playing Bioshock.  I've had it for four months now, and despite my earlier excitement at getting to play this award-winning game, I just haven't had any motivation to dive into it.  I believe a big part of my reluctance can be laid at the feet of FPS-console controls.  That is to say, FPS console control schemes suck, and they suck hard!  I know there are those out in the world who feel that a FPS can be just as easily played on a console as on a PC, but I am not one of those.  I cut my teeth on Half-Life and find the keyboard/mouse combo to be the most natural and intuitive FPS interface.  However, I do not have two grand to drop on a new PC, but I do have a PS3.  So, I will make do.

Did you know that you can order 100 white LED's for $11?  I don't know what I'd do with 100 LED's, but I think i may order them, and then find out!  Certainly, I could make a joule thief or two.

I leave you now with this; a video of my favorite Norah Jones song, Nightingale, being performed live.

How To Nap

Important info everyone should know!

I'm definitely an Owl, and not a Lark.

Via Make:Blog and the Boston Globe.

Christ, I Wish I Was in South Florida Right Now

Having spent a sizable portion of my youth in South Florida, the thought of ever returning is now enough to give me night sweats.  However, if ever there was a time I would want to be in South Florida, it would be now.

And no, it isn't to revel in the wanton destruction that Tropical Storm Fay is likely to create.  I dislike Naples, but I don't hate it.  Beside, I still have family there.

No, it isn't for the wind-ruined trees, the storm-wracked beaches, or the devastated multi-million dollar homes.  And though that latter one is awfully tempting, what I really want is to be able to sit on the deck of my old house and enjoy the evening as the storm rages around me.

I want to exult in the fury of the storm.

Do you know how long it has been since I got to exult in the fury of a good storm?  Quite a while, let me tell you.  A really good thunderstorm is the only time I think I actually enjoy being scared.

I want to feel the wind as it runs riot through the trees.  Hear the hammer-fall of the rain on the roof.  Jump at the crashing cymbals of thunder.  Breath deep of the scents carried from a thousand miles away. 

I want to feel the primal power of Nature in my bones, and laugh with the sheer joy of it.

Okay, so maybe it is to revel in the sheer wanton destruction that Fay is likely to create.

So Much to Do. So Little to Bitch About.

Here's the dilemma...why post something to my blog when there are video games to be played?  Between Odin Sphere for the PS2, and Super Mario Galaxy and Super Paper Mario for the Wii, it's a bloody wonder I even show up for work, let alone create content for my blog!

Excellent video games are not the only reason why I have been absent for the past month.  Early on it was a bit of blogger fatigue coupled with general disinterest in trying to post anything.  That was followed by an enjoyable birthday party for myself...




...And the subsequent hangover. 

Then there was the epic hike up Mt. Olympus...


...followed immediately by the hilarious circumstances of my car getting totaled while parked.  In front of my house.


Really, it is an entertaining story.  I'll do a post about it soon, once I get some of the insurance drama straightened out.  I should also have the Mt. Olympus pictures uploaded and tagged to my Flickr account in the next day or so.  Plus, new OMoPB and YiEMB entries, and maybe even a little surprise here and there!

Now, won't that be nice?

In the Midnight Moonlight Hour, I'm Writing a Long and Lonely ... Something

Midnight.  12:00 am.  That point in a 24 hour cycle that end one day and begins another.  I've been seeing quite a bit of this hour recently, and while I love the quiet the hour brings, and deeply appreciate the beauty inherent in the midnight hour, my diurnal schedule makes this a rather uncomfortable time for me.

See, I really need to go to sleep right now, because I really need to be at work at 8 am tomorrow.  This is not an impossible task even given this late hour, but it certainly is one that would be much easier if I were already a-slumber.  And while it is true that I am not actually scheduled until 9 am, and could thus utilize that extra hour in the prone position, with eyes shut, I need to be an hour early tomorrow so that I might leave an hour early.  For I have an important errand to run.  Involving my car.  And a new tire.  As of the four new tire I bought today, one had a small hole in the sidewall thus rendering unusable for my purposes.  So the tire place is replacing it.  And thus I wish I were already asleep.

Okay, I think I've burned off enough of my excess mental energy.  Time for bed!  Good night, everyone!

Bacon Salt

You know, my birthday is coming up soon, and this would be a perfect gift.

HINT.  HINT.

A Collection of Errata and Wisdom

Clearing out the clutter in my head, and putting online for a semi-permanent record the more important and/or interesting stuff.

Rocky Road to Dublin - a traditional Irish song (lyrics) from the 19th century or a dessert?  Why not both?  Take a bowl of Rocky Road ice cream and add a shot of Bailey's Irish Cream.  It's delicious!

New bumper sticker up in the store. *WARNING!!!*  May only be funny to Altaholics and tele-skiers.

I'm playing through the GBA update of Final Fantasy II, and I have this to say: my party of would-be revolutionaries and world-savers gets ambushed more often than a pedophile on "To catch A Predator".  I swear, they can't take six steps without have a gang of monsters trying to bend them over a couch. 
Also, the level-up system is very broken.  I am very glad they discarded it after this game.

Two and a half hours with a jackhammer is enough to make my forearms tender to the touch.  Loading two tons of broken concrete into a trailer, and then unloading it at dump isn't so much fun, either.

Why I don't generally identify as a Republican in the current environment: Neocons are to Republicans as EZ Cheez is to Vermont Cheddar.

Art Project - Making planters out of old computer cases:  cut out the tops, and manufacture a wooden platform to sit four to six inches below the open top.  Paint the outside to look like the ruined husks of office buildings, and then place potted plants on the platform inside.  Line up four or five of the planters so as too look like a financial district and call it After the Crash.

Unavoidable Delays

YiEMB will be delayed until at least 8 pm, 5/13/08.   My newly arrived copy of Folklore got in the way.

Life With ADD -or- If It Weren't So Hard, It'd Be Easy!

Last week I had a moment of inspiration while putting in my time behind the carpet cleaner.  Unlike many of my "aha!" moments though, I was able to write this one down before it slipped away, and thus I became determined to actually germinate this idea into a story and then post it here for the World to read.

So, I've been working on this short story for the last two and a half hours -nearly a thousand words!- and I haven't even introduced the hook of the story!  I am thinking that I am going to have to do some heavy editing before I post this story, and that is very unfortunate.  I have a horrible track record when it comes to editing as I tend to lose all interest in a story once I have completed a first draft.  And it isn't just with fiction that I have this problem.  All my papers throughout high school and college were one-and-done affairs, and I do believe it drove my professors nuts.  Nearly every paper would come back with comments like "A-, Good job, but needs work", or "B+, Excellent points, but poor presentation!", or even "B-, Imagine what you could do if you spent more than an hour writing this!".

[ten minutes and random web-surfing later]

Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah!  So keep your fingers crossed that I actually do...

[Another ten minutes later]

Hey, did you know that both Pizzicato Five and Cibo Matto are classified as being part of the Shibuya-kei genre of J-Pop?  I didn't either, but discovered this while looking up Capsule on Wikipedia.  Capsule was the third band that I didn't know in the Starry Sky mash-up (the one with the Beastie Boys and Daft Punk) from today's YiEMB.  Anyway, it's cool that I've been a fan of this genre without even knowing it was a genre. A definite advantage to only caring that music is "good", rather than worrying about how to categorize it.

But back to my story idea.  At this point I can't even guarantee that I'll finish the  story because my train of thought has become so far removed from where it was while I was writing it that I don't know if I can get back there.  Maybe if I come back to it tomorrow.

Maybe.

3Day 2008

See that big pink box over there on the left?  Click it and give me money!

Really, it's for a good cause.  And if you don't believe that I can actually do it, I've done it twice before, and below is proof.

3Day 2005
3Day 2006

In all seriousness though, please donate what you can.  I missed going last year due to being poor, and my apartment burning down, and I really want to be able to participate this year.

This isn't about me.  it isn't about you.  It is about boobies.  Please, help me save the boobies.

Not Really a Milestone, More Like a Neat Little Rock on the Side of the Road

I've hit an average of 2 page views per day! 

As I said, not exactly a milestone, but I'll take what I can get, especially since I was sitting at 1.98 for something like six months.

By far, the post that gets the most hits is my Alta vs. Snowbird article from last May.  Then comes the review of Giants: Citizen Kabuto (generally people looking for pictures of Delphi topless), and my Ballcock Torture opus (again, people looking for something else - still I like to think that the guy in the Netherlands who spent over two minutes reading that entry was doing so because he was laughing so hard).

Huh.  It appears that my Google Page Rank is completely non-existent.  From what I can find it means that Google had render me unto Google Hell.  Well, that kinda sucks.

I Needed a Reason to Post This

I was just holding my friend's cat in my arms, snuggling with the cute little poopstain, when I suddenly smelled a most wretched aroma.  The little bastard had farted in my face!  And let me tell you, there is little more rancid than the smell of an animal fart.  Whether it be dogs or cats, those little beasts can produce the most gawdawful stench!

What else?  Oh, yes...Samsung makes some really sturdy cell phones.  My little four-tear old phone got sent through the wash twice in as many weeks, and it still works!  However, now I have a Motorola (something I am not entirely pleased with, but I did choose it) and a new Utah number.  I just need to remember to cancel my old Atlanta one.

More?  Oh yes, there's more.  If you are ever getting ready for work and you pause with indecision over whether or not to take your snow boots with you, take them.  The inconvenience of transporting them and not using them that particular day, will be far out-weighed by the delicious feeling of dry feet on the day which you do need them.  If you need further convincing, then read this cautionary tale.

Still want more?  You won't after this.  It is a very special episode of The Smurfs that was commissioned by UNICEF.  To say more would be criminal.  Enjoy!

Not My Fault!*

The quietness of this past week was not, as is normally the case, a product of my ADD-influenced ennui, but rather was caused by a borked wireless router at my house.  I am told that Comcast, that paragon of corporate responsibility and outreach, is sending a tech by today to fix it, but I am not going to hold my breath.

As a way of saying "I'm sorry for the lack of updates", but without actually saying it, I give you a picture of "Super Nintendo Girl".  Thank you Destructoid, thank you!

*alternatively titled "Why the hell can't I meet girls like this?"

Blog Maintenance

I'm sure all one of you have noticed my complete lack of updates for nearly a month, but that's because I have exciting news!  I've been working hard on a complete redesign of the site with tons of new features and content!!!

No, not really.  I'm just lazy and easily distracted.  However, I have made some minor changes.  First up, I re-ordered some of the content sidebars as it was messy and lopsided, and really wasn't very easy to navigate.  I also removed the Sequential Art and Currently Non-Dancing To lists as I haven't updated either of them in almost a year.  Once I start buying CD's again, I'll bring the music list back, but I think the Sequential Art list is dead for the time being.

There is also a new Photo Album there on the right side.  This one is a collection of pictures taken in and around Little Cottonwood Canyon and Alta.  Send the link to your friends and make them all jealous.  Of me.  Not you.

Article-wise, I am working on a post about how ridiculous it is that I am 30+ years old, but still have to play as a teenager in almost every CRPG.  Also look for more installments of Youtube is Eating My Brain, and  uh, stuff.  Yeah, more stuff on the way.

You know you want it.

Of Banana Bread & Snow Drifts

I am anxiously awaiting the kitchen timer to tell me that my loaves of banana bread are through baking, and that it is time to take them from the oven so that they may cool.  I have a great deal riding on the success of this endeavor: if they come out delicious I can hold my head up proudly in front of my housemates; but should my baking turn out to be an abject disaster, then I shall nevermore be able to look them in the eye, let alone shred gnarly pow-pow on a day of bluebird freshies.  Indeed, I may well be forced to sling my PS3 skis across my back, and roam the back roads of Utah, forever more cast out from paradise!

But, I still have at least twenty-eight minutes more to go before my moment of Reckoning.  So, let's talk winter wonderland landscapes, shall we?  Fine, I'll talk type, you listen read.

Alta got dumped on this weekend.  We got about 30 inches of snow in the last thirty-six hours, just about doubling our settled snow depth.  I haven't been up there, but I hear that the powder was pretty sweet.  "Creamy good times" as the kids like to say.

Why haven't I been up there?  Well, because I am a hack skier, and I really like skiing groomers more than powder.  Yeah, sacrilege, I know.  (You can't see it right now, but I am rolling my eyes and miming masturbating.)

My preference for groomers has more to do with my lack of experience with skiing powder, than it does any actual dislike of powder.  I also lack powder skis, so the times I have tried to ski powder, I have ended up on my ass; face-first in a snow bank; doing inadvertent snow angels; and doing yard sales all over the mountain.  Not really my cup of tea.

However, as I do wish to be a better person than I am working to rectify this minor flaw in my being.  One of my friends from by the name of R.C. has already taken my "off piste" for my first runs of the season, and he is going to lead farther a-field before the season closes.  I also rather think he is going to make me ski Mt. Superior.  A prospect that both thrills and terrifies me in equal measure.

Comcast is on My Sh#t List

Remember when my apartment burned down back in the beginning of October?  Yeah, good times, good times.  Also, do you remember when I mentioned in a previous blog post about how the Comcast CSR had to go to her supervisor to find out if it was okay for me to terminate my account due to the fire destroying the near sum total of all my worldly possessions, and how I still had to pay for the modem I was renting from Comcast?

Yeah, slightly less good times.  And today those good times got even less gooder (less goodest?  more badder?).  Today I came home to a letter from a collection company here in Salt Lake that had been tasked by Comcast with the recovery of the cable modem.

I'll repeat myself for effect, even though it would be just as easy for you to re-read that last sentence to verify that you had indeed read it correctly - despite me telling Comcast that my apartment is now a carbon-rich environment, they are still trying to recover their cable modem!

Naturally, I called them on their bullshit and what did I find out?  Why, Comcast had no record of my previous call!  There were no notes in their system that I had called to cancel my service, or that their modem was destroyed in a fire.  It was then I realized that Comcast had terminated my service not because I had requested that they do so, but because I had not paid my last bill.

So for the second time I explained to a CSR what happened, and this time the nice man asked for my insurance company's name, and my claim number.  He then said he would forward that information to the Comcast Collections Department, and that they would deal with my insurance company directly, and that I would not have to get involved.

The maraschino cherry on top of this ice cream sundae of delight came when as we were wrapping up, the CSR drone said to me, "...And please let us know when you are ready to resume service again in your name!"

Buddy, I'll get dial-up before I go back to Comcast.

The Things We Do for Fun

Six days into Nanwrimo 2007, and I am about 5K words behind.  I'd be worried if today were the 29th, and I had four hours left until midnight.

It isn't and I'm not.  Last year I started a week late and yet still sailed right past the 50,000 word mark, and with 45 minutes to spare!

Next up is this article from Destructoid.com in which Tim Schaefer explains why there will be no sequel to Psychonauts, one of the funniest, most intelligent, and enjoyable games released in the last five years.  His reasons are good ones, but they make me sad none the less.

In other news, the move went well, and I am now ensconced in my new cave at the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon.  From here it is a quick 20 minute drive up to work...but one day...one day soon I shall return to my little slice of Heaven, and the move shall be a permanent one!

That's it.  That's all.  Go outside and play now.

Moving Day

Actually, it is tomorrow, but since I am going to be otherwise occupied (Nanowrimo starts tomorrow, too), I decided to post this tonight.  Also, since I am an ADHD-type of guy, posting now lets me procrastinate even more!

I am moving out of my comfy little nest up here in Alta, moving back down into the valley, and into the house of a friend of mine.  This was the plan all along as I had decided that I couldn't afford to keep my two-bedroom apartment anymore.  Not only was it straining my budget to the breaking point, but it was 22 miles from work, and the time spent driving to the park'n'ride, and then sitting on a bus, reminded me far too much of sitting in traffic in Atlanta.  I can waste two hours of my life in far more enjoyable ways.

Indeed, the only way in which the fire impacted this move was in how much crap I will be bringing with me.  And my cats.  I still miss the little buggers, and have dreams about them.  Still, a real concern I had about the move was how my cats were going to adjust, and whether I could keep Pia from shredding my friend's furniture.  Though a real concern, it was one I'd rather be having to deal with than the one I'm dealing with now (that being what happened to them).

Well, back to cleaning.  The toilet isn't going to sparkle on its own.

The Phantom Toblerone

I think all of the posts I have made in the last two weeks have been in the "A Word From Our Sponsors" category.  I need to do something about that.

Until then, I will regale you with tails of the Phantom Toblerone!  Not to be confused with my latest addiction, The Phantom Hourglass, the Phantom Toblerone involves chocolate, and honey, and toffee bits, all mixed together into a delicious Swiss confectionery treat.  Or rather, it did until someone ate it all.

And that Someone was not me.

I don't think.

I mean, it could have been me, and my sister, and my eldest nephew, along with several other people who have been in and out of my little slice of Alta over that past summer, but I just don't know.

See, it all started back in June when we got about two feet of snow.  I helped one of the full-time residents dig her car out of a snow pile, and she gave me this giant Toblerone bar as thanks.  Finding it to be a tad too sweet for me, I set it aside and would only nibble at it from time to time.  This very evening, however, while doing some (much needed) cleaning, I picked up the Toblerone box to move it only to discover that there was exactly one piece of creamy chocolate goodness left. 

I know it wasn't the mice.  As industrious as the little buggers are at eating and pooping, they are not so neat as to carefully nibble away so as to make it appear  that the chocolate was cut by a knife.  It could have been from my birthday party back in June, when I had a whopping five people in my apartment.  I know my nephew declared his allegiance to the Cult of the Toblerone, but I don't think he was allowed more than two pieces.  I know my sister also had a piece, and I had one or two, but that shouldn't have been the whole package.

I may never know what happened to my Toblerone, but I strongly suspect that aliens had something to do with it.

In Case You Missed It

It came to me that there are those whom I know that might not have been on my email list, and thus would not have received the visual record of the wreckage that was recently my Just and August Life.  So I figured I post the pictures here.  Also, by referring more people to my blog to see the pictures, I can pretend as though more people are genuinely interested in what I have to say.  My ego demands it.

So, here are the pictures of what is left of my apartment.

Hookers and Cheap Whiskey

That's what I just told a close family friend in an email that I was going to get with the fire money she sent me.  As it happens, I actually got something a little more useful.

Trust me, warm and dry feet do far more to improve morale than tawdry sex and rotgut.  Though, tawdry sex alone might also do the trick.

...I'll have to look into that.

New Day, Start Again

I am not repairing.  My loss is irreparable.
I am not replacing.  What I lost is irreplaceable.
I am not rebuilding.  All that is left is ash and smoke.

No, I am Living, and this blog will document my Life.

But enough pretentious bullshit!  I went to see Charlotte Martin last night, and I have pictures!  And damn, such a big voice from such a tiny woman!  Reminds me of when I got to see Heather Nova in 2002.  There is another woman whose tiny size belies her beautiful voice.

They Are Making Me WHAT?! - Also, an Update!

I just called Comcast, my high-speed cable provider, to cancel my account.  This was something I had meant to do a month ago, but the recent conflagration rather rendered my further use of it completely moot.  I got a nice lady on the line and told her I needed to cancel my account because my apartment had burned down.  She said fine, then paused, and said, "But you have one of our modems!"  "Yes", I replied, "But my apartment was a total loss.  There is no way to salvage that modem!".  The nice lady paused again and said "Okay, let me get my supervisor."

Yes, Comcast has nothing in their Tier One script about what to do if a customer's abode is rendered uninhabitable by intense convection.

The nice lady talked to her supervisor, who informed her that yes, people could cancel their accounts due to catastrophic loss, but that I would still have to be charged for the modem! 

W.T.F?

It's all good though, as my nice CSR lady informed me that I could "try" to claim it on my renter's insurance.

Thanks, Comcast.  Thanks.  I really needed one more thing, just one last, little item to add to my twelve page list of items that were lost, to finally make the full $15,000 of my Property Coverage.

------------------------

In other news, my previous post about my kitties being shuffled off this mortal coil may, and I stress may, have been a bit premature.  There is rumor that one of the two men who were busting down doors to get people out, also got my kitties out.  However, we have been unable to contact this man to verify.  My leasing office has also notified the tenets in the neighboring buildings to be on the look-out for any stray cats.

So, there is hope.

R.I.P. Pia and Hazel

My apartment was destroyed in a fire yesterday.  I only lost two things of value.

Good bye, my little loves.  I am going to miss you.

Things That Make Me Grin Like an Idiot, pt II

You may remember Part I, or, you may not. Well, if you look closely, you may see a link between the two.  Should there be a Part III, you may even begin to see a trend.

That would be my brand new copy of Vienna Teng's DVD of her Live at the World Cafe performance; an autographed 5x7 glossy of VT; and a can of Pepsi.  Seperately, these three things make me very happy.  Combined as they are in that picutre, they make me grin like frikkin' idiot.

Change Comes to Us All...

...But this is nothing major.  I have updated the layout to a 3 Column format due to the addition of  a panel from Zazzle.com.  This is not an ad, but a direct link to my Zazzle account wherein you can find such wondrous things as my warped little mind has conceived!  Or at least those for which I have been able to create simple designs.  Should you purchase one of these snazzy little tchotkes, I get a slice of the pie.  A small slice to be sure, but a slice none the less.

I am also thinking I need to upgrade my Typepad account to allow for custom templates.  The 3 Column design is just too damned cramped!

The Bitter Berry Filling in My Danish of Dystopia

I'm only posting something because I told a friend of mine I would post something, and not, as rumor might have it, because I like any of you bitches!

A couple of points:

1) If any of you are not playing Puzzle Quest on your DS, PSP, or through your XBLA account, then I have no further interest in being your friend.  Oh, all right!  I suppose I can still be your friend until this Fall when it comes out for the PS2, PC, and Wii.  After that, though, if you still have not played PQ I will cut you off at the knees and pee in your mouth.  And scratch your name off my Christmas card list.

2) Champions of Norrath has some cheap-ass boss battles.

3) Good-fuggin'god!  I've put on five pounds in the last week?!  Man, time to lay off the donut holes...you know, once these two boxes are gone, that is.

4) "The Bitter Berry Filling in My Danish of Dystopia" is a great name for an emo-core goth band - True/False? 

Discuss in the comments!

5) Five is more than a couple - bite me!

Fixed the Comics

I have "tweaked" the code for the comics so that the pop-up windows now have both the ability to be resized, and scroll bars!  Yes, both, because I love you all that much.

Now, if I can just figure out how to do it without having to manually fark around with the html, I will be a happier man.

New Neighbor

This guy trundle right past (and I do mean right past - within a foot) my window about twenty minutes ago.

Alta vs. Snowbird

Often I have been asked which is the better ski resort: Alta or Snowbird?  Usually my answer involves listing the pros and cons of each one, but yesterday I took two pictures which I think settles the argument for once and for all.

Alta.  World Class Skiing.  Even in May.

Nieve de Mayo

Dear Friends,

This is an open letter to you all, and I hope you will take the warning therein to heart.  I have suffered through this, and I want no others to have to follow.  Forewarned is Four-armed and all that.

What I have to say to you is this: please, whatever you do, do not shovel snow in your sneakers or trail hikers.  You may look outside and say to yourself, "Oh, sure, there's only 7 inches of snow, I don't need my snow boots!", but you do.  Trust me, you do!

Your feet will get wet, and then cold, and your toes will go numb.  Your balance, already spotty because of the slick pavement, will become even worse and cause you to fall into the snow.  And were falling into the snow the only indignity you would suffer, I'd not even bother with this message.

However, hidden under the snow is the bear trap you set out two days previous when the weather was fine, with the intention of cleaning it and making it ready to receive the neighbor's incontinent poodle in its loving embrace.  When you slip and fall into the snow, your flailing hand with find the bear trap and it will snap closed, severing your arm just above the wrist.

For a moment you will not notice the pain.  The bitter cold that has crept in through your glove liners has numbed you to most sensations, but after a couple seconds your brain will process that which your eyes are seeing, and you will begin to scream.  The hysterics will overwhelm your civilized being, and you will run around waving the stump of your arm in the air, spraying your precious life fluid everywhere.  If you are of an artistic bent, you may pause briefly and marvel at the beautiful contrast of the brilliant red splattered Pollock-style all over the encompassing white canvas of your yard, but then the hysteria of losing your hand will kick back in again and you will resume screaming.

Fortunately for you, you will not bleed to death as your neighbor, the one whose incontinent poodle you had originally set the trap for, will do a flying leap over the fence, tuck into a roll, and then clothesline you on the way up.  Sitting on your chest, this 280 lb. former All Star offensive lineman will pin your arm to the ground with one knee while he skillfully wraps your clothesline around the severed stump of your arm, and cinches it down as a crude, but highly effective, tourniquet. 

Then, throwing your over his shoulder, he will sprint to the front yard where his trophy wife will already have their fully pimped-out $77,358 Escalade ready to go.  Diving into the back seat with you, your neighbor will not even have time to get the door closed before his wife, a former Trophy Truck drive for Chevrolet in the Baja 1000, lays down more rubber than you ever thought possible.  Laughing with manic delight as she swerves in and out of traffic, jumps medians, and terrorizes families of ducks trying to  cross the road, she gets you to the Emergency Room in record time, and without causing injury to anyone else.

There, alerted by your neighbor's call into 911, an emergency medical team is already standing by.  Acting with speed and surety, they whisk you into the operating room where you see, much to your surprise and dismay, that the head surgeon is your high school prom date.  You begin to really worry now, as you still feel guilty about the way you ditched her after the dance to go hang out with your buddy's older sister who was back from college.  The surgeon smiles reassuringly at you though, and tells you not to worry, that everything will be fine.  Then the anesthesiologist places the mask over your face, and you gratefully slip into the velvet black of oblivion.

When you awake, you notice an odd sensation where your hand should be, and in a panicked rush, it all comes flooding back to you.  The snow, and the ice, and the blood.  Especially the blood.  It really did look so beautiful against the white of the snow.  You start hyperventilating as you remember, and the machines attached to you sound alarms as your vitals go haywire.  The head nurse comes busting in, followed quickly by your ex-prom date surgeon.  As the nurse administers a mild sedative, the doctor takes you by the hand and starts speaking to you gently.  At first her words make no sense, but then you realize that the hand she is holding is the hand that was cut off.  Your eyes go wide, and you lift the arm to get a look, only to have a second start when you see the faint metallic sheen.

Still holding onto to your synthetic hand, the doctor reaches out her other and lays it on your cheek.  She tells you how the bear trap had caused too much damage for them to simply reattach your old hand, and that by the time the recovery team had gotten to your place, the porcupines and skunks were already fighting over the tatters remains of the flesh.  So, your neighbor called in a favor from a friend of his, and got a prototype synthetic hand flown in from Denmark.  The surgery to attach it was successful, and with therapy you will have 100% range of motion and dexterity.

Just as she finishes telling you this, the door to your room opens once more, and in come your neighbors and they have brought their two children to see their "uncle".  Throughout all this, your ex-prom date has not let go of your hand, and you marvel at how your ever could have walked away from someone so beautiful, for a college-dropout junkie with 38DD's.  The drug the nurse gave you begins to make its presence felt, and before you let the warm lassitude take you, you count yourself lucky to have such great friends.

That damn poodle is still dead meat if it craps in your yard again, though.

Things That Make Me Grin Like An Idiot

Meeting Vienna Teng and getting not one, but two hugs from her.

The view from my place of work.

Armed & Dangerous
click on Compass at the bottom of the screen, then click on Gallery, then finally click on the "The Story" under Trailers.

Blazing Saddles
"You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons."

Bureaucratic Update

Even though it seems that the only people who visit this blog come here accidentally, I am still going to write this update as if I have readers who care.  With that in mind, here is an update of what to expect in the coming months.

(Possibly) An extended post on the my participation in the 2006 Atlanta 3 Day - complete with a request for money for the 2007 3 Day

A double review post for Maximo: Ghosts to Glory and Maximo vs. Army of Zin

Eventually reviews of Baten Kaitos: Eternal Wings and The Lost Ocean (GC), Wild Arms - Alter Code: F (PS2), The Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay (XB), War of the Monsters (PS2), Magna Carta: Tears of Blood (PS2), Top Gun: Combat Zones (PS2), We Love Katamari (PS2), Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance (PS2), Xenosaga Episode III - Also Sprach Zarathustra (PS2), Rygar - The Legendary Adventure (PS2), MS Saga: A New Dawn (PS2), Giants: Citizen Kabuto (PS2), and The Longest Journey (PC).

An Ode to Pepsi

Possibly more in depth reviews of some of my favorite Cd's.

A review of the upcoming Imogen Heap show.

More Turtle vs. Tick - Mostly True I.M. Conversations from the Edge

(Possible) Excerpts from my 2006 Nanowrimo effort.

As I am now once more amongst the ranks of the gainfully employed, I no longer have 24h/d to play games (and thank Universe for that, I was getting sick of just playing games!), so the game reviews will become a bit more infrequent as I refuse to post a review until I have beaten a game.  The one exception to that may be Magna Carta: Tears of Blood.  That game is so damned boring that I don't know if I have the self-loathing required to slog through it.

So, until the next time I remember to post remember this: Eagles May Soar, But A Cobbler Is Just A Man With A Leather Shoe Fetish!