A Bureaucracy of One

Extreme Sheep Herding

Yes, it is an ad for Samsung, but damn, what an ad!

Godzilla vs Gigan - Another Running Commentary

Made seven years after Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster, so my fingers are crossed that it won't be as campy.  However, Godzilla vs. Gigan is still a Showa Era Godzilla movie, so my hopes are no too hi- dear dog, what the hell is that thing?!

Oh, it's a rather hideous Godzilla costume.  Seriously, the early Godzilla designs were less than intimidating.

O-okaaay...we just had an intro consisting of a bunch of Seventies computer panels and lights, followed by page after page of a manga showing a crowd's horrified reaction to ... a blank page.

I should note here that unlike my commentary on Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster, I am going into this one completely blind, having never seen it before.

Hm, it was a pitch by a poor, struggling manga artist trying to sell the story of telepathic kids who beam their hatred of homework into outer space, where it forms into a terrible monster that returns to Earth to wreak havoc!

Don't laugh, it actually sounds more compelling than some kaiju movies I've heard of.

Okay, was Poor Struggling Manga Boy just flirting with her?  Or was he in serious fear for his life from her 1337 karate skills? 

A...a theme park.  A Godzilla theme park.  For children to learn about peace.  Wow.  I-I have nothing to add to that.

Godzilla vs The Sea Monster - A Running Commentary

Why is it so damned difficult to get the DVD to do Japanese audio with English subtitles?  Why to I still have the overhead light on, drowning out the lush colors and stimulating visuals? 

Rhetorical questions.  Not just for 1st year Philosophy majors!

The intro consists of nothing but credits playing over sunset beach scenes.  How thrilling.

Aw crap.  Hit the wrong button, and now I have to sit through that all over again!

Or, I could fast-forward.

Prepare to fast forward! 
Preparing to fast forward!
Fast forward!
Fast-forwarding, sir!

Mysticism and psychics have always had a huge roll in the Godzilla mythos.  From the psychic twin fairies that speak for Mothra, to the failed attempt to psychically control Godzilla in Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla.

Yea gods...a classic Sixties dance marathon.  Makes sense for when the movie was made, but every time I see one I flash back to the movie They Shoot Horses, Don't They?.  Fine, fine American cinema.

Sixties Godzilla movies really seemed to be more concerned with camp than with plotting or even coherency.  Not that any Godzilla movie has ever been more than barely coherent.

Oh look, it's that sunset/sunrise from the intro!

Let me pause the movie and revisit my earlier line about camp vs. coherency.  For example, in the first ten minutes of  Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster we are given a psychic that tells a bereaved mother that her son is not dead; the bumpkin younger brother of that son trying to find a boat to go look for his lost sibling; two random guys from a dance-marathon; and a bank robber.  Now those four are on a sailboat in the middle of the Pacific.  Oh, and the bumpkin seems to be able to helm a sixty foot sailing sloop with absolutely no prior experience.

All that, and still no Godzilla.

Man, they do love those shots of the sunset.

Hmm.. Godzilla precipitates nasty weather.  Is there no limit to his fantastic abilities?!

Oh, not Godzilla, but the eponymous Sea Monster.

And so our plucky adventurers found themselves washed up on the rocky beaches of Plot Device Island, a little soggy, but otherwise none the worse for having spent an indeterminable amount of time in the storm-racked ocean.

Ooh...nice watch.

Man, look at his hair!  There's so much gel in that it is repelling water!

Cannibals?!  The little bugger finds an antique sword lying on the ground, and his first thought is cannibals?! 

Hmm...from now on I am going to just randomly shout out "Canabis!".  I amuse myself so easily.

And now we have a strange looking ship spraying out mustard into the water.

A-mazing!  There is a huge facility on the island that is heavily guarded!  And hot "native" women.

Oop!  A bunch of natives are running for a canoe!  Will they make it?

Yes, they did!  But...wait!  Why did the guards let them go?  And what is that spiny horror rising from the deep?

Oh noes!  Teh nativs gots eaten byes teh giant lobester-crab thingy!

Ebirah.

That's the sea monster's name.

Now, our four motley ship-wrecked crew are chasing the hot "native" woman around a-a-a-a-a-nd...she just tripped.  How utterly unexpected.

Now that all five of them are fast friends, it is time for them to be discovered!  And chased!  And cornered on a rocky cliff!  Only TO JUMP!  ONTO A HIDDEN LEDGE!!!

The excitement.  It burns within me.

Here comes the rain again.  Falling on my head like a memory.  Falling on my head like a true emotion.
(Here is comes again...here it comes again!)

And native girl prays to something.
Mothra!
But he didn't come.
Or she.
I think Mothra is a she,

And here we have the "natives" (now revealed to be from Infant Island, home to ... MOTHRA!) singing while they labor.  This scene is very evocative of the Black man's plight upon the Plantations of the Deep South.  Hm...I now see that I was far to quick in dismissing this film as mere mindless dreck involving big, stompy monsters, when it is, in fact, a modern parable of the Black Man's Struggle!

The "natives" represent the Black Man, and the Island is a Plantation.  The Red Bamboo Army represents the White Plantation Owners (aka, Whitey), and Ebirah symbolizes the Death that awaited any Slave foolish enough to try and escape!   The yellow slush (Cotton) that the "natives" (Slaves) are forced to refine is used by the Red Bamboo (Whitey) keep Ebirah (Death, or as it relates to Whitey, the destruction of their entire feudalistic enterprise) at bay.  Godzilla, then, represents the sixteenth President of the United States, and Freer of the Slaves, Abraham Lincoln!

Okay, so maybe not.  However, the Godzilla movies are a fantastic historical bellwether for Japan's attitudes towards the West, and the U.S. in particular.  After all, the first Godzilla movie was a indictment of the dawning Nuclear Age, and the horror that Japan had faced first hand.

Now, back to the camp.

Hm...the Red Bamboo doesn't like it when the "natives" sing while they work.

"Native" dance number to awaken Mothra.  And hey!  It's the twin fairies I mentioned earlier!

Mothra is a really sound sleeper.

Thirty-one minutes in, and Godzilla finally makes an appearance.  Only, he's sleeping too.

I mean, what is this?  Narcoleptic Godzilla vs. Ennui Monster?!

That...that joke was funnier in my head.  Sorry.

Yeah, nobody is going to notice a six foot tall hedge scampering across the landscape.

"Hey Ed?"
"Yeah, Ted?"
"Was that bush there yesterday?"
"Nope."
"Oh.  Think it might be a small band of plucky adventurers trying to break in?"
"Nope."
"Oh."
"See, Ted?  It was only a dove making all the noise."
"Oh, I guess you're right, Ed."

So yeah, the hot "native" girl (she has a name, but it escapes me) just happened to be carrying a dove.  Which she released to make the guards think that the noisy bush was kosher.  Just one of the many perks of being shipwrecked on/kidnapped to Plot Device Island!

In the guards defense, they are more concerned with "natives" trying to get out, than they are small bands of plucky adventurers trying to get in.

What sort of organization just leaves their armory open and unguarded?  or, if it wasn't the armory our Plucky Band of Adventurers stumbled into completely by chance, then what sort of secret army leaves smoke bombs in their warehouse?

Rhetorical questions?  They never go out of style!

Now we have a scene where the clueless leadership demands something be done despite warning cries of those being made to do it.  Why must management always be so out of touch with the actual day-to-day?

Science in the Sixties was very colorful.  Pipes in primary colors.  Flashing lights all over the place.  Oh, and a nuclear power plant!  Used to make nuclear bombs!

Remember what I said about Japan and the dawning Nuclear Age?  The Godzilla movies, from the first one on, are all strongly anti-nuke.

A near capture!  A daring escape!  A really ridiculous attempt to hide followed closely by another daring escape!...via ankle getting caught in a weather balloon?  Just another perk of vacationing on Plot-Device Island!

Ooh..pretty sunset...again.

Narcoleptic Godzilla's still taking a dirt nap.

An interesting note about Godzilla - he not only represents Japan's nightmares of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, of the Atomic Past, and the Nuclear Future, but he also represent the U.S..  This is why Godzilla In the movies is constantly changing roles between being the savior, and being the destroyer, of Japan.  Furthermore, despite the general anti-nuke stance of the Godzilla movies, it is always the nuclear-powered kaiju that saves Japan.

Really, the Godzilla movies do walk a fascinating path of socio-political commentary.  And big, stompy monsters are fun, too!

Mmm...hot "native" girl...Dayo!  That's her name!...is praying to Mothra, again.

Yeah, I have no frickin' clue what Mothra is supposed to represent.  In the movies, Mothra is always a force for Good.  A Lawful Good to Godzilla's generally Chaotic Neutral, if you will.

Twin fairy girls.  Speaking in Stereo, where available.

In a world where big, stompy monsters are a fact of life, saying something like "Hey, let's wake up Godzilla!" has got to be the equivalent of putting on a bicorne hat, sticking your hand in your shirt, and declaring yourself King Bonaparte the XXIV, Lord of Burger King.  Or wearing cling-wrap shorts.

Because it show you have a very tenuous grasp on reality.

Plus, it shows your nuts!

Jeebus...Dayo (hot "native" girl) is a walking deus ex machina!  First she provides confirmation that the bumpkin's brother is still alive, but on Infant Island.  Then she saves the Plucky Band of Adventurers from being discovered by releasing the bird she just happened to be carrying.  And now, the coil of copper wire she picked up in the store house as a necklace just happens to be what is needed to defibrillate Godzilla's heart.

And that's also why that sword just happened to be laying there on the ground for our Plucky Band of Adventurers; it's the lightning rod.

Oh, and Bumpkin Boy made it to Infant Island via weather balloon, where he was reunited with his brother, and now the two of them are heading back to Devil's Island to help.

Not "heading to the main land to get help for those on Devil's Island".  No.  Heading back to Devil's Island to help.

These people are idiots.

And...here comes the rain again.  Falling on my head like a memory.  Falling on my head like a new emotion.

Wow.  Those models are so very convincing. It seriously looked like a small canoe with two men frantically trying to row it through a storm.  Really.

And here comes the giant lobster to gobble up Bumpkin Boy and his Brother.  But wait!  Lighting finally strikes the sword!  Will it be enough to light a firecracker in Godzilla's ass and get him going?

Rhetorical questions.  Where would we be without them?

It's alive!  IT'S ... ALIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!

A-a-a-a-nd, just not looking all that menacing.

Oh, but Ebirah spies Godzilla and they both let out screams of primal rage!  It's like sniffing butts for kaiju.

Now commences the ceremonial rock toss between the monsters.  Godzilla serves it off with a brilliant kick down center field!...but, Ebirah returns it with aplomb, forcing Godzilla to catch it!  Well played, Ebirah!  Now here comes the wind-up from Godzilla, and it is a heater straight down the line to Ebirah!  But oh, Ebirah hooks it off the tee and it lands in the water hazard!  The points go to Godzilla.

Godzilla's looking over his selection, and it looks like he's going to take the Brunswick basalt 5-tonner.  He lines up on the line and sites down the pins then...pitches a lovely shot straight down the middle to Ebirah!  Ebirah sends it back with that smooth backhand he is justifiably famous for, giving it a perfect arc straight for Godzilla's head.  But what's this?  Rather than sacrifice his balance for a questionable strike with his tail, Godzilla simply heads the boulder back at Ebirah!  Ebirah tries another backhand, but Godzilla giver another header right back forcing Ebirah to catch the ball and ending the rally! 

Folks, this...this is what Kaiju League Killball is all about!
Too right, Ken!  And Godzilla looks mighty pleased with himself.
As well he should, with a performance like that!

Ebirah winds up with a pitch straight at Godzilla's chest, and Godzilla...punches it out of the way?  What is he thinking?!
I don't know Ken, but a flagrant foul like that is grounds for-
{Broadcast tower destroyed.  Transmission terminated at source}

The Kaiju Killball preliminaries over, Godzilla wades into the water for some splashy fun-time with Ebirah.  This is actually a pretty fun fight, with Godzilla beating on Ebirah, then getting dragged under water, then beating on Ebirah underwater with a rock he picked up.  Pity it's so short.

The next morning finds our Plucky Band of Adventurers reunited, and trying to break back into the Red Bamboo compound.  Only to be discovered by a conveniently placed microphone.  They all get split up, and then Godzilla appears!  And just when Deus Ex Doya was about to get shot, too.

Hmph...Godzilla's going all King Kong to Doya's Ann Darrow.

I.  Swear.  To.  God.  Godzilla is sitting in the half-lotus, hands on knees, friggin' meditating.

Oh, and I don't believe in God, so you shouldn't take anything I swear to him very seriously.

And from out of nowhere comes a giant fucking buzzard-thing to annoy Godzilla.

Godzilla: 1  Deep-fried turkey bird: 0

WTF?!  Godzilla just rubbed the side of his nose in thanks to Deus Ex Doya for warning him of the chicken attack.  And now...and now...words begin to fail me.  Because, you see, the Red Bamboo Army has an air force whose battle music seems to be surf rock.  And Godzilla is dancing to it.

Really, you are doing yourselves a great disservice by not watching this "film".

Yeah, Godzilla's getting into the swing of things now.

So much for Red Bamboo's air force.  That's what they get for flying MiG-21's.

Huh.  Godzilla has somewhat of a vacant expression in this movie.

Well now, that is a nice touch.  All the "natives" are being kept underground, and with Godzilla stomping around up there, they are in real danger of having their cave collapse on top of them.

Godzilla makes really good use of large rocks in this movie.

And now Godzilla makes with the stompy-stompy on the nuclear reactor.  But it isn't enough to keep the Red Bamboo Army from arming it as a nuclear bomb to destroy the island.

It's the return of Ebirah!  Only, one of the members of the Plucky Band of Adventurers had the captured "natives" make a fake batch of the special yellow liquid, and so the Red Bamboo Army met its ignoble end.

Now, back to the hot kaiju-on-kaiju combat action!

Oooh!  Ebirah grabbed Godzilla and pulled him under!  But Godzilla counters with a Suplex that puts the hurt on Ebirah!  Meanwhile, back on land, the freed "natives" are weaving a net from nothing while their brethren on Infant Island try and light a fire under Mothra's narcoleptic ass.

Because the nuclear bomb is set to erase the island from the face of the Earth in about twenty minutes.

And still Ebirah and Godzilla wrestle under the water.

Suddenly, all was quiet on Infant Island.  The "natives" waited with baited breath.  Finally!  Mothra's antenna twitched.

Well, that's it for that fight!  Godzilla just ripped both claws off Ebirah, and as the poor kaiju tries to swim away, Godzilla taunts it by opening and closing the big claw he still clutches in his mitts.

Godzilla's a bit of a dick.

Here comes Mothra to fly everybody off the island.  But wait, Godzilla has seen her too!  Will they fight?

Yeah, probably.

Here's the thing about a Mothra/Godzilla throwdown.  According to the kaiju mythos, Mothra is the one kaiju that is possibly even more powerful than Godzilla.  It's just because she never fights with her full strength that she never kills him.  The problem I have is that she's just a big fucking moth and Godzilla is a nuclear-powered dragon.

Eh, not much of a fight this time.  Mothra basically drove Godzilla back far enough that she could pick up the net and fly off.

And suddenly Godzilla is afraid to jump in the water.  But he does, and just in time to avoid being caught in the blast wave.

Again with the socio-political commentary: Godzilla was dangerous to the Plucky Band of Adventurers, but he did help them escape, and they did not want him to be destroyed by the exploding island.  Much like how Japan at the time was grateful to the U.S. for helping it rebuild after the War, but at the same time was very wary of the moves the U.S. was making on the international scene.

And that, my friends, is the end of the movie.  May you walk in Godzilla's shadow, for it's marginally safer there, than anywhere else.

So Bad it is AWESOME!

I can't help myself - I think this is the funniest, most awesome thing I have seen in a long time.  Most of you however, will hate me for bringing it to your attention.  C'est la vie.

Found via Ectoplasmosis, my new favoritest blog.

Ballcock Torture

Seven months into this thing, and I am force to accept that the best quickest way to increase my readership is to start posting porn.  However, as I am never one to take the easy road when the hard road is also an option, I decided to test the waters by going for the fringe porn market.

My original inspiration came from a post on Boingboing.net that featured a German wedding party dancing to some truly odd music performed by a band with the nom de guerre of "Cock and Ball Torture".  This little meme wormed its merry way into my subconscious, where it proceed to happily nest until called forth by a recalcitrant toilet that I was attempting to fix at work.

BDSM and plumbing collided, and my idea for a porn series was born.  So, without further ado, I give you Ballcock Torture. 

Enjoy.