A Bureaucracy of One

Let's Play - For Geeks that Want to Know if The Princess Really is in Another Castle, but are Too Lazy to Play Themselves

Reading some of my older posts, and laughing at my wittiness...ah, good times! Speaking of wit, or lack there of, Nothingman posted a comment on yesterday's article:

You told me nothing in this post. Maybe you should stop relying on the Youtube and start posting from the heart, not from your "I think I'm witty" brain.

Yea and verily, he has a point. Of the eleven post I've made so far, I would say only two of them were actually interesting. However, I take exception to the idea that some of them were not from my heart - all my post are from the heart, though some (most...almost all?) do come from a rather shallow part of it.

Now, as some of you are no doubt aware, I enjoy playing the occasional video game. However, even with my copious free time uncluttered by such mundanities such are the lot of mere mortals, I find it difficult to squeeze in enough time to play the games I own, and thus so very many digital stories fall by the wayside.

That's where the Let's Play Archives come in. 

A sub-forum all their own on Something Awful, Let's Plays are threads wherein dedicated crazy people play games that the rest either can't, or do not want, to play. These LP's are presented either as screen shots with commentary, or videos with commentary, and are quite often funny, interesting, and very engaging.

For instance, as I mentioned the other day, I recently finished reading through the LP of Final Fantasy IX. I had played the game years ago when it was first released on the PSX, but I never finished it, and watching the ending on Youtube just isn't the same without context.

 

And reading The White Dragon's LP provides more than context! He also provides interesting insights to the development and translation of the game, along with showcasing the shear amount of detail that went into even the smallest sections of the game. Character animations that were only used once! Text written on items that were too small for the PSX to render properly! Legitimate cinematic techniques used in a pre-render cgi cut scene!

Then there is the social commentary about Hawaii that The White Dragon, as a native Hawaiian, provides. His insight into the gradual erosion of his linguistic heritage; how the native Hawaiian community views homosexuals; and what a pain in the ass tourists are, make the thread worth reading even if you don't give two figs about Final Fantasy IX.

Late to The Game: Call of Duty (Or, How many Times Can I Die in 3 Hours)

This is my running commentary of my first time playing a Call of Duty game.  Specifically, CoD: Black Ops. If you don't want to read it, I'll summarize: I suck, and die a whole lot. 37 times in a three and a half hour period.  That makes it about 1 Death every 5.5 minutes.

 

11:58 am: Black Ops loaded and waiting for me to 'Press START button'.  First, more fruit smoothie.

12:01 pm: Options set, time for the Campaign!

12:04 pm: So, they are going with the whole torture/flashback set up as a narrative device, huh? Okay.

12:06 pm: Aaaand... I'm dead!  I forget that the CoD games pride themselves on realism, and that for accuracy you have to aim down the sights. Borderlands this ain't.

12:09 pm: Dead again, and right as I reached the objective.  Also, why is R1 for shooting, and R2 for Grenades?  Hm, okay, Default ALT changes that around.

12:12 pm: Oh, and the character models?  Creepy mannequin motion.

12:18 pm: I think I see the appeal of the CoD games, but I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy it in the long run. There's more of an emphasis on stealth, accuracy, and picking the right moment.  I'm more of a run 'n' gun kinda guy.  Well, maybe more gun and less run. But hey, I get to not-kill Castro in this historically accurate simulation!

12:24 pm: Play interrupted for emergency kitty lap session. Also, the incredible accuracy demonstrated by my AI squadmates in the tutorial mission? Gone.  Apparently we haven't been able to kill Castro yet because nobody can shoot straight.

12:27 pm: Dead again. I'm also the only one that knows how to use grenades.  When I remember I have them.

12:29 pm: I'm sorry, what? Check my weapon? You're the braindead dipshit that walked into my line of fire!

12:30 pm: Oh, gawdsdammit!  I can't actually L1 target that dipshit!  I can only "accidentally" shoot him.

12:31 pm: Oh wait, I can! I just have to let him get far enough ahead of me.

12:33 pm: That's three more deaths as I try and remember what button 'Crouch' is, and how to melee.

12:36 pm: Huh, so I'm supposed to pop a cap in Castro from across the room as he's hiding behind a hostage, with only an iron-sighted .45.  Oh, and that makes eight deaths. Maybe ten.  I lost track in the tutorial.

12:39 pm: So yeah, I just killed Castro.

Enslaved to the Music

Well, if ever there was a reason to start blogging (again), bitching about one's life is at least a time-honored excuse in the blogosphere. 

The word "blogosphere" is a known word to the Typepad word editor.  That's vaguely unsettling.

Where to begin in the laundry list of first-world problems that I have?  Where else?  Money.  It can't buy happiness, but having liquidity certains aides in the achievement of a happy life.  And I have near-zero liquidity at the moment.  

The cause of this - well, the root cause - is certainly my lifestyle. Ski bums earn jack-all for pay, but up until now that hasn't really been an issue.  In the past I have been able to pay rent and buy food, and have enough left over for an occasional new video game.  This year, however, I find myself having (modest, very modest) medical bills in addition to the other fixed expenses I have to worry about.  And that feeling of worry is compounded by an ankle injury that still hurts a week on.  While it is a dull, low-level ache, the need to wear a walkboot compounds my frustration to the point where I. MUST. BLOOOOOOOOG!

But you know what really ticks me off?  The thing that really yanks my chain?  Chaps my hide?  Chaffs my taint?  Pisses in my milk?  Teabags my ... something?  Uh, right...well, it's the fact that because of all this I won't get this game when it comes out on October 5th. 

 

I really want that game.  Not only is it beautifully polished (I played the demo), but the protagonists for once don't make me want to slam my head into a wall until I am dumb enough to put up with their inept characterizations.  

Even better? Enslaved is (very) loosely based on one of the few great Chinese novels that are recognized in the West; Journey to the West!  That's right, we're gettin' all multi-culturated up in this biatch!  Go on! Get down with your bad selves! Uh!

I'm a slaaaaaaaaave to beat!  I'm A slaaaaaaaave to the music!  I'm a slaaaaaaaave 4 u- wait, no I'm not.  I'm just a Slave 2 Tha' Music!

Play The Game - Done vs. Finished

Look, I play video games.  I don't play lots of them, but I do play them alot, and sometimes I can even be arsed enough to blog about the experience.  This is one such time.

When playing a game, when is it done vs. when is it finished?  Put a better way, when are you done with a game vs. when are you finished with it?

I asked myself this question the other day after getting to 98.8% Completion on Lego: Batman, and then getting frustrated with the next to last level.  I was trying to collect all one hundred 10K studs hidden in the Wayne Manor, but was short the last one.  After nearly an hour of frustration I finally turned off my Wii and went to do something else.

Only to turn my Wii back on ten minutes later to try again.  

Thus, twenty minutes later I had finally completed my first game in...well, Lego: Batman is possibly the first game I've 100% Completed since the advent of bonus content.  Castlevania:SoTN doesn't count, because while I did get the 100.2% map completion, I never did manage to get all the weapons and items.  I certainly never got 100% on Kingdom Hearts, FFX, Drake's Fortune, Metroid Prime, Psychonauts, Metal Arms, or any of the other games I've played on 32-bit systems and higher.

However, I beat all those games and consider my time with them to be finished.  That when the credits rolled I feel as though I had gotten a full and satisfying experience from my time with the game.

Then there are the games that I am done with, but never actually beat.

Final Fantasy X-2.  God of War II.  Pokemon Pearl.  Final Fantasy VII.  Final Fantasy VIII.  Final Fantasy XII.  And others that slip my sieve-like memory at the moment.  These are all games that gave me the opposite feeling when I played them.  With FFX-2 and FFXII, it was a feeling of apathy that killed the game for me.  When given the choice of playing those games, or staring at a wall, wall-staring won hands down.  With FFVII, it was a growing sense of annoyance that did me in.  I had gotten to the end game, but a growing realization that I didn't really care for Cloud, Tifa, and the rest of the emo-crusaders made me put the game on the shelf and forget about it.  

Pokemon Pearl is an odd one, because while I completed the story mode, I gave up long before becoming a true Pokemon master.  Blame boredom for that one.  The prospect of grinding for another sixty hours to collect all those little freaks, and make the Sinnoh region my bitch really didn't appeal to me.  That, and I got Lock's Quest in the mail.  Now that is a fantastic game!

As for God of War II, well, you can read all about my problems with that game in the link above.  For the lazy, the short version is that Kratos is a dick, and I hope he suffers for eternity.

So, what are some of yours?*

*Question is almost entirely rhetorical since almost no one reads this.

Little Things Can Make an Entire Day

I remember playing Final Fantasy II (IV in Japan) in college.  My friend Isaac had rented a SNES and FFII, and we stayed up for 28 hours straight to beat it.  Now, it is being released for the DS on July 22nd.  Oh, happy day!  Oh, frabjous joy!

Sorry, I can't Save the World Today, I just Turned 20 - Part One

Why do I have to play as a teenager in JRPG's?  Why can't I be an adult, in the prime of life, that is faced with overwhelming odds and impossible tasks, and forced to learn valuable lessons before the world can be saved?  Is it because impossible tracks seem more impossible from a sixteen year old's perspective?  Is it because teenagers are blank slates waiting for Life to inscribe the bitter lessons of Love and Betrayal?

No, it's because it's creepy for a 30+ year old man to nail the sixteen-year old heroine!

Okay, maybe not, but it certainly makes sense.

I started thinking about this question when I realized how much joy I took from the fact that Final Fantasy XII's Vaan wasn't a whiny little emo bitch.  Looking back on the Final Fantasy titles from FFVII to present, I couldn't name one of the male protagonists who didn't make me want to slap the stupid out of him. 

Final Fantasy VII had the emotional cripple hat trick with Cloud, Barrett, and Sephitroth, where as VIII's cast was comprised of nothing but Hot Topic teens due to the fact the were all orphans and the way Guardian Forces worked.

FFIX's Zidane almost manages to buck this trend of pussification, but then about halfway through the game he finds out his True Purpose in Life(tm), forgets everything he's learned about being a responsible person, and turns into an emo-goth.  This leads to my most hated RPG-cliche  - The Group Hug - by his friends to bring him out of it (note to self: do an entire post about this one). 

IX's near derailment of the Squeenix Emo-bitch train is followed by a full return to form with Tidus from FFX.  To be fair, Tidus really doesn't get a chance to be anything more than a blond pretty-boy with daddy issues.  Not long after he learns that the girl of his dreams is destined to sacrifice herself to save the world, he also discovers that he is actually a Dream himself.  I swear, looking back on that paragraph it is like I just stumbled onto someone's Livejournal entry.

Ew.  I have LJ on me.

Now with FFXII, Squeenix finally gave us a young, blond, male hero that actually acts like a seventeen-year old.  Vaan has problems, and he makes stupid decisions, but he handles all this with normalcy.  No whining about identity, or lost parents, or about how nobody understands him.  Really, it is very refreshing.  Now if only the combat wasn't Ass McCrakers with a side Poop.

Brooks Brown Talks About Columbine

Brooks Brown was a good friend of Dylan Klebold, one of the two boys responsible for the Columbine Massacre.  In this interview with Destructoid, Brooks talks about what he sees as the reasons behind Dylan and Eric's rampage.

Hint: it isn't a simple reason, and it isn't because "videogames make people violent".

A Little Realism Never Hurt

I was watching this video when images in it struck a cord inside me, which started reverberating at a lovely 440 hum.  The images in question are those of the security guards at the mental hospital, and the chord which they plucked was that of a video game - a first person shooter to be precise.

Like crystals forming in a super solution of sugar water, an idea sprang forth with rapidity and clarity, and the idea was this: in a majority of the fps games on the market the protagonist is always some sort of ex-CIA/Speznats/Quantum Mechanical Doctoral Candidate who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but has the necessary skills to survive due to his shadowy past.

Well, nuts to that.  I want to make a FPS that stars a security guard (it would be called Security Guard), but it wouldn't be just any security guard, oh no!  This security guard would be based on a real person, and would feature a realistic setting, with realistic game play.  Actually, I want to have four or five different security guards that the player could choose from. 

The Old Thrill is Gone

I am working on a review for Wild Arms: Alter Code F, but as is quite often the case, I have been distracted.

As mentioned in the previous post, I have purchased my own Nintendo DS Lite, as well as a copy of the New Super Mario Bros. (though I really wanted Super Princess Peach).  I was so excited to play with my new toy that I did not even bother waiting for the battery to charge, I simply plugged in the AC adapter, and started playing.

Well, a couple days later and here is my impression of the New Super Mario Bros. - eh, it's okay.

Let me expand upon that.  It isn't that the graphics on the DS aren't oohshinypretty, or that the controls aren't tight, responsive, and intuitive.  No, it's just that it is nothing new, and I am bored with that.  And sure, the new Super Shroom is cool (if the effect is rather short-lived), and the Mini Shroom adds a bit of strategy, as does the the wall jump and the butt-stomp, it's just not enough.

Looking back at Super Mario World on the SNES, it was an evolution of the Mario game play...okay, not really.  It was, and remains to me, the most polished and enjoyable of the Mario platformers.  I remember the first time I played SMW, and it wasn't the brightly colored graphics of the SNES that impressed me, but the sense of scale, speed and control that was on display.

It was new!  it was vital!  It was fun!  It was also the only game I had for my SNES for a very long time, so that might also be shading my recollection.  Regardless, I do not have that same sense of fun playing NSMB on the DS.  Maybe it is because the DS's smaller screens do not allow for the same sense of larger-than-life color and caricature that was on the SNES.

Or maybe it is simply because eleven years on I have outgrown the simple pleasures of butt-stomping Goombas, and making Koopas my little shelled soccer ball-bitches.  Oh well.  Que sera, sera!

Idle Hands Dual-Shock the Devil's Work

Not since I was in college have I had so much time to dedicate to video games.  Of course, back then all I had was my SNES with four games - Super Mario World; Final Fantasy VI, Super Mario RPG, and Cybernator.

Okay, okay...I also had a copy of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest!!!  Geez...twist my arm...

These days, I have three consoles and a PC to spread my gaming love across, and boy, do I have a lot of gaming love.  My PS2 gets the most use out of the four systems, with my Gamecube being the one that is criminally underutilized.  The PC and the Xbox are almost tied in usage, with the PC just edging out the Xbox due to my purchase of Half-Life 2.

The reason for the spread in utilization is simply that the PS2 has more of the games I want to play, and most of those are RPG's.  That is not my only love though, as Super Mario World and the first two NES Ninja Gaiden games gave me a love for really good platformers.  Psychonauts is a perfect example of a platform game done right, while the Ratchet & Clank games rank as some of my all time favorite, right behind the Sly Coooper trilogy.   And I have to give special props to Kya: Dark Legacy for giving the world a kickass heroine that did not try to skate by on her pnuematic personality.  There is just something so satisfying about sneaking up on a Wolfen, kicking it in the crotch, and then jumping onto it's back and punching it in the back of the head, while riding it straight into a wall.

As for the RPG's, my PS2 has been host to many, many of them.  Final Fantasy 9 (yes, it was a PSOne game, but I didn't get it until later)  X, X-2 (turns head, spits), Grandia III (spits again), Star Ocean III (flies into murderous rage), Dragon Quest VIII (moment of rapturous silence), Xenosaga I & II, and many, many more.

RPG's and platformers, however, are about the limit of what I enjoy playing, at least on the console platform.  I don't like fighting games, racing games bore me, and the less said about my opinion of sports titles, the better for all of us.  As for FPS games on a console, let me just say that a gamepad is no substitute for AWSD + Mouse.  FPS games I save for my PC, though in truth I have become a bit burned out on them in recent years. 

I loved the original Doom, though DII and DIII were too much of a retread for me to really get into them.  Especially not after I discovered Duke Nukem 3D and Shadow Warrior.  Here were two games that took delight in being crude, crass and asinine, while also having great game play.  Those two kept me occupied until Half-Life came along and blew me, and the rest of the gaming community, away. 

The graphics, the game play, the scripted events - it was like being in my very own action movie!  Sadly, Half-Life 2 just doesn't seem to have the same juice, and I think it is because Valve followed the formula of the first game a little too closely. To whit, in the first game Gordon (and everyone else in Black Mesa) knew nothing and so the player knew nothing.  It was only by visiting all the different areas of Black Mesa that Gordon/the Player is able to piece together what is going on.  Following that same formula in the second game just doesn't make any sense.  Alyx knows what is going on.  Barney knows what is going on.  Dr. Vance sure as hell knows what is going on, but none of them ever take a quiet moment to explain to Gordon what the hell is going on.

Eh, I'm getting away from myself.  Aside from FPS games, I also use my PC for adventure games like The Longest Journey (just got it) and Syberia.  Neverwinter Nights and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic have also seen some use.

My Gamecube I got specifically so I could play The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.  I had missed out on the game when it was on the N64, and when it was bundled as part of an ultimate Zelda collection for the GC, I snapped it up.  The awesomeness of LoZ: OoT led directly to me purchasing LoZ: The Wind Waker, and Wind Waker was one sweet game!  My GC has also hosted Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, and Metroid Prime; both are excellent games, with Metroid Prime being my one concession to FPS games on a console.  Finally there were the two traditional RPG's - Tales of Symphonia and Skies of Arcadia.  Skies of Arcadia rocked my world on the Dreamcast, and it rocked it again on my Gamecube.  Tales of Symphonia was good, almost great, but a couple cliched main characters kept me from really enjoying it. That, and the whole evilness masquerading as good religion thing has been played to death.

Oh, and my GC and I also had a brief dalliance with Viewtiful Joe, but that ended badly.

So, that leaves the Xbox, another system I bought specifically for one game.  Now, when I did that with the GC, it was only $99, and came bundled with the Zelda collection.  The Xbox was used, so only $129, and I also picked up the game, Jade Empire, used.  Still, that was somewhere around $160 just to play one game, but boy, was it worth it!

Jade Empire is an awesome game.  Deep story line; engaging characters; fun combat; and most importantly, the ability to get both female characters to fall in love with you if you played a male character, with an implied threesome as the payoff.  Yes, that was definitely $160 well spent.  However, I did feel that I needed to get more out of my Xbox than just one game, so I picked up a few others.  The second game I got was Sudeki - an action rpg whose greatest claim was beautifully rendered cheesecake.  The plot was tired, the characters were stereotypes, and the dialog was cliched.  However, that cheesecake was beautifully rendered.

The third game was Armed and Dangerous, which is a third-person shooter whose short play time is more than balanced by the howling funny cut scenes.  Seriously, the cut scenes are some of the funniest things I have ever seen.  I still pull that game out just to watch them, and memories of the scenes will cause me to chuckle out loud.

Finally, 'round about the time The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion was hitting for the 360, I decided it was time to see what all the fuss was about over the Elder Scrolls games, and picked up a copy of Morrowind.  An RPG of the sandbox variety, Morrowind gives you an entire continent on which to play, and does not restrict what missions you take, or when you take them.  Hell, I put in close to sixty hours on the game, and only got about 1/3 of the way through it.  Sadly, I also found that very freedom to be the game's fatal flaw.  As my character was basically a blank slate with no personality aside from what I projected onto it, I became bored with the quest and simply abandoned the game.  It now sits on the floor next to my television, forgotten and unloved.

So that's it, then.  Next time I will go into some of my favorite games, and why they rank as such.  Or I might talk about some of my least favorite games, and the reasons I think they failed.  Or, I might do both.