A Bureaucracy of One

Deus Ex: Nitpicks of the Machine

Whoo boy, that was fun! I was all like stealthy and then snuck up on people and was like, "Choke Hold, motherfucker!", and they were all like "Aaaargh, Can't...Breathe....!", and then I got this massive gun that shoot sooooo many bullets that I was able to take a boss down in like 5 five seconds!  And then - and then...

And then I beat the game, and realized that it had some pretty deep flaws that will probably keep me from replaying it the same way as I did the original Deus Ex. Here, let me tell you about them in a rambling and barely-coherent fashion.

Actually, calling these things deep flaws is being disingenous and mean-spirited. If the problems were that deep, and the game was that flawed, I would not enthusiastically recommend this game to everyone (which I do). Rather, they are nitpicks. Horrible, tiny little nits that irritate and confound me the more I ponder them. 

Nit #1: The Inventory System

Specifically, it is one aspect of the otherwise excellent inventory system, and that is the arbitrary stacking of items. Certain items in the game will stack with each other - mines, food, and the virus programs. Others, grenades and mine templates, do not. Combine a frag grenade with a template to make a frag mine? That will stack with other frag mines, but the three frag grenades left take up an inventory slot each. This gets really damned irritating when you are carrying 3-4 of each kind of grenade, and you can't pick up a candy bar because you have no room left.

 

Nit #2: Praxis Kits

Really, this nit is about the leveling system in its entirety, but the Praxis Kits are an easy entry to it. In the first game (I pretend the second game never actually happened) you not only had different augmentations to choose from via nano-aug canisters, but Skill Points could be earned on level-up and distributed among skills of many different flavors. Want to be an Olympic Sprinter/Swimmer with a focus on Rocket Launchers and Lock-picking? Knock yourself out!

Sadly, Human Revolution's upgrade system is somewhat more...austere. In Human Revolution you can only gain new abilities by activating your cybernetic implants via Praxis Kits. This wouldn't be an issue at all except for one tiny, little design choice that turns it into a Nit to be picked at. See, right there at the top of your Inventory screen it tells you how much XP you've earned; how much XP you need until the next level; and how many Praxis Kits you have available. When I first started the game I saw that and thought "Sweet! I'm going to dump my points into Lock-pick and Hacking, and my augs will focus on stealth!". But no, instead, every time you level up, you get a Praxis Kit. It just seems to me if there aren't going to be Skills, then level-ups are meaningless and should've been eliminated.

 

Nit #3: The Illusion of Choice

Deus Ex: Human Revolution is a masterful implementation of smoke and mirrors. When compared to its contemporaries, it shows off a remarkable depth and intricacy that astounds and amazes. Want info from a police station? Be a smooth-talker and get the guy at the front door to let you in! Or, hack the backdoor and do a little B&E! Of course, you could always sneak in through the roof and stick to the venitlation system to avoid detection!

But... You. Can't. Pick. Locks. Didn't dump Praxis Kits into your Hacking Implant and can't get through that Level 3 electronic lock? Too bad! Focused on activating your combat implants at the cost of being able to jump higher or carry more and therefore can't reach the air vent? So sad! Better turn over every rock and garbage can until you find the pass code!

Really, for all that you have multiple routes to take through a level, they are severely curtailed by how you modify your character. 

 

Nit #4: Nicolette DuClare

How the hell can Nicolette DuClare be working for Picus in 2027, and yet still only be a woman in mid-to-late 20's in 2052? Let's have a little internal consistency, shall we?

 

Nit #5: The Ending(s)

Because I don't want to spoil the game for any who might play it (and really, all of you should), I won't go into any specifics, but the original Deus Ex had different endings that showed little cinematics of what happens to the world based on what your final decision was in the game. Human Revolution ... doesn't.

SPOILERS BELOW (highlight to view):

No matter what ending option you chose, Adam Jensen monologues over various clips of things happening that are completely unrelated to events that occured in the game. The monologue and the clips differ from ending to ending, but in none of them do we get to see what happens to the world based on his decision. Nor do we get any sort of closure on any of the other characters in the game. What happens to Sarif Industries? What happens to Picus? Did Adam ever reconcile with Megan Reed, or did he decide that Faridah Malik was more important to him?

Also, the coda after the credits makes no damned sense given events in the game. Dr. Reed makes it sound like she has been bereft of all friends and contacts and is forced to go to work for the Illuminati, when it is very apparent that both Adam Jensen and David Sarif want and need her to stay around. Hell, the game makes a point of having her tell Jensen that it isn't over between the two of them, and that she wants to make it right!

It doesn't even make sense given two of the four possible endings. In two of them, human augmentation is allowed to continue; in one, with stricter regulation; and in another, completely unfettered. In either of these situations, Sarif Industries would still have been going strong, and would have welcomed her back with open arms.

 

Front Mission Evolved - A Study in Drudgery

There was a time when I did more than just played video games - I used to play at reviewing them, too. This will be one of those rare times. Front Mission Evolved is SquareEnix's latest entry into one of their lesser known franchises, and it answers the question that never needed asking: How do you make big stompy robots boring? 

 

For those that don't know, the Front Mission games have always been about commanding and customizing giant robots called wanzers. For the most part, this was done as a tactical RPG that allowed players to choose weapon load-outs, battle skills, body parts, and colors for their mechs. While FM:E retains the customization aspects of the those games, it ditches the tactical aspect and became a 3rd person shooter. This is not an improvement.

Gone is the need to strategically place units on the map; match strengths to weaknesses; juggle weapon load-outs; or even the need to give thought to the next move. Instead, all the player has to do is buy the strongest frame, load up the biggest gun of choice, and go shoot shit.  No strategy. No tactics. Just dodge-shoot-dodge-shoot.  And unlike other, better, 3rd person shooters, there isn't even a cover mechanic. Except when there is one.

As if understanding that they were sucking all the fun out the franchise, the programmers added in sections where the player has to get out of their big stompy robot, and run around on foot fighting other puny little humans, as a way of breaking up the monotny. This mode features a cover mechanic, but makes up for that with really crappy aiming and crappier weapons. I had to turn down the aiming sensitivity just to avoid shooting everywhere but the place I was trying to aim.

To add further insult to the clunky game play injury, each level has a number of semi-hidden items to be found. However, finding them serves little purpose other than as a weak attempt to pad the game. Sensors can be destroyed for money, and emblems can be found to unlock more decals for the player's wanzer. Yip. Ee.  Let me tell you, nothing grabs my interest like combing every nook and cranny of a level to find 20 of something, for no other reward than a few measly dollars. Hold me down, imma gonna explode from the fun.

And all this is really a pity because the story is actually semi-decent. Dylan McSlackjaw is testing a new wanzer when NYC comes under attack by unknown forces. Trying to save his father, he dives into the fray willy-nilly, and becomes embroiled in an insidious plot to destroy the nations of the world.

Okay, so when I put it that way, the story is barely tolerable, too. However, the characters are rather enjoyable, and very nearly believable in their motivations and development. For instance: Dylan, when confronted by Adela over his use of the game's macguffin, doesn't whine about how she's being stupid, or try to force an explanation out of her. Instead he simply agrees to not use it until she is willing to explain why she's against it, and so her trust in him grows. Further, Dylan's decision not to kill a character later in the game stems from something that Adela says to him earlier on. The point isn't belabored, but his reasons are clear.

Alas, FM:E's characters are the paltry drops of Valentina hot sauce on the Taco Bell taco of Disappointment that is Front Mission Evolved. Their savory spice just isn't enough to balance out the bland drudgery that is the rest of the game. 

 

Recommendation: Pass on it. 

Very Late to the Party - Bloodrayne 2

Look, I play video games.  Entirely too many as my friends are wont to tell me, and maybe they are right.  Certainly in the case of Bloodrayne 2, following their advice to get out more would have been a better investment of my time.

So why did I play it in the first place?  Well, I tried the demo on my PC a couple years back and rather enjoyed it.  Even then I could tell that Bloodrayne 2 had a particularly aggressive bouquet of cheese about it, but I naively assumed that the clunky combat and tepid characterizations would not become annoying as quickly as they did.  After all, I was controlling a hot dhampir in an evening gown as she leapt and somersaulted her way through legions of poorly voice-acted goths.  And yeah, it was kinda hot to make her feed on the female goths.  Really, how bad could the whole game be?

Holy Hells, it was terrible. There is nothing about this game that would find me recommending it to someone else.  Clunky controls; irritating characters; paper-thin story; and polygonal panty shots are what I found in this game, and if it hadn't been for the cheat codes, I never would have finished it.

Now, normally after playing a terrible game I'd say something to the effect of "I wish I could get that 6 hours and 41 minutes of my life back", but that would be dishonest of me.  I did have some fun playing it, and I did learn a valuable lesson: T&A is NOT a good reason to play terrible game.

Thank you, and good night!

Puzzle Quest: Galactrix

Look, I play video games. Lots of video games.  And sometimes I even finish one or two of them.  The latest one I saw through to completion was Puzzle Quest: Galactrix on the DS, the long-awaited sequel to the crack-a-licious Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords.

Now, normally once I finally beat a game I like to do a review of it to let what few friends I have know what I thought of the game.  However, I'm not going to bother with one for PQ:G as this article on Destructoid says everything I want to say about the game, and maybe says it better.  Oh, and read the comments as well as they add some more depth to the critical mauling the article's author delivers!

If you don't want to bother reading the article, then I'll sum it up for you: don't bother with this game.

Late to the Game - God of War 2

I play video games.  A lot.  Perhaps too much, but that is a discussion for another time.  What I do not do, however, is play the latest releases as soon as they come out.  Even if I did, the way I play a game, leave it, come back to it, leave again and start another one, then forgetting about the first one for six months before finally beating it, means that I will always be late to the game as far as reviews go.

Good thing I'm not trying to do this for a living, eh?

So, with that in mind I have decided to start a new, completely irregular, feature - "Late to the Game" video game reviews!

I figure it'll last about two articles before I get completely bored with it.  However, before that happens I ask you to join me as I try (and fail) to equate the God of War games with your first prom date!

Yes, I am only now, a year and a half after its release, getting around to playing God of War 2.  Actually, I got the game for Christmas last year, a mere ten months after release, but it was only a week ago that I actually popped it into the 'ol PS3.

Now, usually I like to play a game all the way through before reviewing it because I feel that games, like novels, movies, and music albums, should be reviewed as a whole.  However, sometimes I just feel the need to savage a game before finishing it.

Hence this article on GoW2.

So, how is God of War 2 like your first prom date? 

Odin Sphere - Originality. Beauty. Quality. And Excellence.

Look, I play video games.  And after sixty-five hours, I've finally finished playing yet another.  Come with me then, and I'll tell you about Odin Sphere for the PS2.

2D is Dead.  Long Live 2D.

It's been a long time since last wrote one of these, and the long months off have not made the process any easier.  I still find myself completely flummoxed about what to say about a game, especially one as excellent and moving as Odin Sphere.

I suppose I will start then with the fact that Odin Sphere is a 2D game featuring hand-drawn sprites moving across incredibly lush and detailed backgrounds.  Examples can be seen in the trailer below.

Continued below.

I Suck at Pixel Junk Monsters, But I Love It

Pixel Junk Monsters is a downloadable game on the Playstation Network that has a very simple premise: defend your flock of, of, of whatever those things are from wave after wave of monsters.  To do this you have access to several varieties death-dealing destructive devices, with the ability to buy more advanced weapons.  It is up to you as the player to decide where to place these weapons, and a strong element of strategy goes into deciding what type of weapon to place where.

And I can't beat the last Easy level.

On this level the flock is located at the center of the screen, and wave after wave of Spiders come from all sides.  This portion of the level I can handle as all I need to do is build Arbalests in all the tress around my  flock to pick off the Spiders as they advance upon my flock.  My problem is the final boss, a large golden statue that bumps onto the screen, and proceeds to flatten the remainders of my once proud charges.

See, the boss is mostly immune to the arrows of the Arbalests, so I have to knock them down and build Flame Towers and Cannons.  Alas, these are much more expensive than the standard crossbow towers, and I can't recover funds from all my other towers fast enough to build enough Flame Towers to kill the damned thing.

This has caused me to see the "Failed" screen multiple times.  Multiple, multiple times.  As in at least time times in a row.  And yet I keep coming back to it and trying again.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the hallmark of a good game. 

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune - What the Hell Did I Just Play?

Video games.  I love them.  Not in any perverse sense of the word, but my life would be much darker without them.  Okay, not really, I'd just go back to reading sci-fi/fantasy until my eyeballs bled, and maybe spend more time outside.  And possibly get a girlfriend.  But let us not get into pointless speculation!  No, instead let us speak of video games that I have played.  And by "us" of course, I mean "me".

Today I wish to talk about the most recent I game I have played unto completion, Uncharted: Drake's Fortune.  Hit the jump for my two cents on Naughty Dog's mo-capped opus.

Plague Dog

I swear, not in twenty years have I spent so much time being sick.  Stomach bug, then flu, and now a cold.  What a wonderful f***ing experience the last month and a half have been.

Do you have a GBA SP or DS Lite?  Have you played Metroid Fusion?  If not, you really should.  Nintendo managed to pack so much Metroid-y goodness into such a small package that it is truly amazing.  It is also not an easy game, which is how a Metroid game should be.  Which reminds me, if/when I get a Wii, in addition to Metroid Prime: Corruption, I need to get Metroid Prime 2.  I really enjoyed Samus' first foray into 3d, but never got to play MP2 prior to my Gamecube getting smoked by Questar.

Speaking of great GBA games, what about Drill Dozer?  DD is a really fun little game that will make you want to throw your GBA/DS across the room in frustration, only to instead sigh and give it another go.  Except for the bonus levels.  Those are f***ing hard!

Both of these games were recommended to me by He Who Need Not Be Named, a man of impeccable taste.

Okami - Fall In Love All Over Again

Oof.  I just let go with a subsonic cheek rumbler forgetting that I am stuck in a small enclosed space.  It wasn't  enough to bring tears to my eyes, but I think I may have singed my nose hairs.  That wouldn't be so bad, but I am working a the Alta Lodge General Store right now and guest come in here.  Yeah, "go me".

Do you remember that video game you used to play?  The one that grabbed you in your "special place" like your ninth grade girlfriend, and proceeded to give you the best over-the-pants-handjob you have ever experienced, and got you addicted to sex video games?

For me that game was Ninja Gaiden for the 8-bit NES.  It had cool characters, awesome moves, and a great story line.  I would play that game over and over again, and have fun every single time.  Other, better games would come later, but Ninja Gaiden will always be my "first".

I bring this up because I am currently playing a truly wonderful game that reminds me of why I fell in love with video games, yet brings brings the adventurousness, athleticism, and experience that only a twenty-year old college student can possess.

Okami. rocks.

A Veritable Cavalcade of Games!

Video Games.  I play them, quite a lot actually.  You might think that someone who lives within spitting distance of the greatest snow on Earth would spend more time skiing, but you would be wrong.  It's not that I don't like skiing, it's just that I love video games.

The last time I took the time out of my busy day to write about my favorite past time (second favorite if I were getting laid, which I'm not, and third favorite if I were a better skier, which I'm also not...yet), it was back in, oh, let me check...bloody hell!  July?!  Seriously?  Holy fuck, am I behind!

Well, uh, that rather sends the original point of this article - talking about the PS3 demos I've played recently - into a cocked hat.  Instead,  after the jump I am going to give a brief review of the games I have played and, for the most part, beaten in the last seven months.  So, in no particular order, here we go!

The Genius of Orisinal

Need a quick break from your daytime drudgery?  All the games on Orisinal.com are browser-based and require little in the way of learning curves.  The genius of these games is that they combine simple tasks, simple controls, and gorgeous art, to create engrossing time-wasters.

My personal favorite is Winter Bells (see pic below), wherein you are a little white rabbit that jumps on bells, with each bell giving you a boost up to the next one.  This simple premise alone is enough to keep me occupied, but as an added bonus I can sit and listen to the music for hours on end.  Well, maybe not "hours", but certainly for many, many minutes at a time.  In fact, I am listening to the music as I type up this missive.

Found via the excellent RetroForce Go! podcast, but I forget which episode.

MS Saga: A New Dawn - Because not Every Gundam Game has to Suck

I've been trying to write a review for this game for the better part of a month now, and it has become very frustrating.  Every time I start on the review I get bogged down in trying to figure out exactly what it was I liked about this game so damned much.  After a month of beating my head against this wall, I still have no concise idea of what it is.

However, I say "Bugger writer's block for a lark!  We're printing this bitch!".  So onwards, and quality be damned.
 

Gundam Universe, meet CRPG; CRPG, meet Gundam Universe.  I'm sure you two have much in common.

What amazes me most about this game is not the enormous amount of customization you can do with your mechs; nor is it incredible variety of enemies that you face.  No, what really makes me shake my head when I consider this game is that fact that it took Bandai so frikkin' long to cross-breed its Gundam IP with a CRPG.

Maybe it is something that is really only obvious in hindsight, but CRPG's and Gundam have so much in common:

Annoying teenagers who save the world?  Check. 
Bizarre two dimensional characters who seemingly exist solely to be evil?  Check.
Obvious plot twists telegraphed from miles away?  Check.
Ridiculously overpowered enemies who still get their asses handed to them by the aforementioned annoying teenagers?  Check.

Throw in a masked man, a little sibling rivalry, betrayal, sacrifice, and some incredibly stilted dialog, and you could have just about any Gundam franchise out there.

Yes, I know there are some really good Gundam series, but let's face it, any attempt at realism was thrown out the window after Stardust Memories: 0083.  G Gundam?  Dragonball Gundam Z.  V Gundam?  The Incredibly True Adventures of Pre-Pubescent Teens in Love.  Gundam Wing?  Two words: Emo.  Gundam.

Hell, even from what I've seen of Gundam SEED, supposedly the best series since the original, it is simply an angsty take on the themes from the original series.  Wait, come to think of it, the original Gundam was pretty damn emo, too.

I'm getting away from my original point which was that the cliches of the Gundam Universe fit perfectly with the cliches of CRPG's.  And the two of them combined equal one enjoyable game.

Hit the jump for more.

DQ Heroes: Rocket Slime!

In Times of Trouble and Strife a Slime Will Rise Up

So, having been let down by New Super Mario Brothers for the DS Lite, I decided to take a chance on a pseudo-rpg by Squeenix, DQ Heroes: Rocket Slime.  The basic frame of DQH:RS is that the town of Slimenia has been attacked, and 100 of the 101 inhabitants have been kidnapped.  It is up to Rocket, the titular slime, to rescue his fellows Slimes using his wits, his Elasto Blast, and his gigantic slime-shaped tank.

Yes, tank.

Puns, Damn Puns, and Statistics More Puns

You cannot escape them in this game, for they are everywhere!  From the names of Slimes to the names of tanks, puns pervade this game like mediocrity pervades FFX-2.  Some of them are clever, as in the Callmigh Bluffs and Mt. Krakatroda that Rocket must navigate.  Others are not.  Sorry, no examples as I don't like to perpetuate bad puns needlessly.

Now, as this is nominally a game aimed at a younger demographic then mine own of Grumpy Old Man, the puns are forgivable, and many of them are quite clever.  However, like every good Pixar movie, this game caters not solely to the children, but also to the adults that may find themselves playing it.  There are numerous background references to Dragon Quest VIII, with the most obvious being Mt. Krakatroda; a mountain shaped like the alchemy pot from DQVIII, with carvings and pictures of King Trode and Medea scattered throughout.

Then there is the Gott Schlieman, the uber tank that Rocket and the anti-hero Slival use to do battle against the ultimate evil of the game, Flucifer.  To say more would ruin the absolutely over-the-top ridiculousness of the scene, and that wouldn't be fair to any of you.  Let it suffice to say that the developers of this game know just how lampoon climatic boss battles, while also paying them the utmost respect.

Fire in the Hole - whoops, sorry about that!

Of course,  when actual combat starts any semblance of seriousness gets tossed right out the window, because basically you are throwing rocks at each other.  Seriously, for the first battle the ammo consists of nothing but boulders.  Naturally, as with all good rpg's, that doesn't last, and you quickly find yourself collecting all sorts of things to use as ammo.  Eventually, you get the Alchemical Pot from Mt. Krakatroda, and you can start making bigger and better versions of ammo you already have. 

Oh, right, the actual mechanics of tank combat.  Well, both tanks roll up and park in front of each other, and then the tank crews start collecting ammo and tossing it into the cannons.  Boulders, arrows, 1/2 ton weights, meteorites, and cruise missiles; shields, holy water, iron balls, and even members of your own tank crew; all are grist for the cannons.

That's Great, but What About the Story?

Um, I think I covered that in the first paragraphed.  You play a Slime trying to free 100 Slimes that have been kidnapped. 

Final Analysis

Okay, DQH:RS isn't exactly the DS Lite's answer to DQVIII, but then it isn't meant to be.  DQH:RS is an enjoyable fluff piece meant to occupy your attention during periods of Slow Time, and it does that job very well.  The game can be beaten in about 20 hours, but expect to spend at least another ten hours* collecting crap to feed the alchemical Krak Pot , so you can get that last missing alchemy recipe. 

Highly Recommended.


*At least ten more hours!

Wild Arms: Alter Code F - So So Very Good!

Come With Me, And Let us View The Past Through This Rosy-hued Glass

Back in 1997, while the World was waiting for Final Fantasy VII, a RPG debuted that blended traditional 2D sprites on the overland map with ground-breaking 3D battles.  Wild Arms was a fun, colorful, and surprisingly deep, game that kept me happily occupied for many months.  In a sad testament to my youthful naivete, when FFVII came out I automatically equated its pretty graphics and byzantine storyline with superiority, and promptly traded in my copy of Wild Arms. 

Yeah, not the smartest thing I have ever done.  For while Wild Arms broke no new ground with its story, or tried to present the same tired RPG cliches in a new and novel way, it had two things going for it;  strong, fleshed-out, and sympathetic, characters, and a really solid story.  Wild Arms took those hoary old cliches and reminded the player why they had become cliches in the first place - because when used right, they work.

Fortunately for me, and for all of you, there was enough love in the world for the first Wild Arms that it got remade and re-released as Wild Arms: Alter Code F.

Pretty New Package, Same Great Content!

Now, oft times when a classic gets remade, it loses something vital.  In that respect, WA:ACF is not so much a remake, as a refurbish, or better yet, an enhanced Director's Cut - like the re-released original Star Wars trilogy, only with much less sucking.

The story is still the same great story: three individuals trying to find their way in a dying world are brought together to save that very world from the Demons who ravaged it 1000 years before.  Cecelia, the princess seeking to find out if there is more to her than just her title; Jack, the swordsman who mistakes power for strength in his quest for vengeance; and Rudy, a wandering orphan looking for a home that will accept him and his bizarre power.

As I said, they are cliched characters, but unlike many other RPG's, Cecelia, Jack, and Rudy do not stay as  simple two dimensional expositional pivot points. .  Each character has a strong developmental arc, often times weaving in with the arcs of the other two characters.  All this back story and character interaction serve to shift the focus from simply being another paint-by-numbers RPG of unlikely heroes banding together to save the world.  In a very real way, there is no hope (literally, no Hope) of redemption for the world of Filgaia until Cecelia, Rudy, and Jack find redemption of their own.

Playing the Game

I'm not going to waste much time or space here.  WA:ACF has action-RPG elements in the towns and dungeons, with combat being standard RPG fare.  Each character has a total of four Tools that can be used in the towns and dungeons, and various puzzles, traps, and information are solved, overcome, and acquired through their proper use.

Final Verdict

My gods, man, did you not just read the effusive verbal praise I had for the story and characters?!  Go and buy it!  BUY.  IT. NOW!!!

The Review That Almost Was: Rygar: The Legendary Adventure

Way back at the end of 2006 I started a review of Rygar: The Legendary Adventure, in which I was trying to liken R:TLA to a Tragedy.  Unfortunately, it sucked, and I abandoned it for the last three months.  Well, rather than try and turn this pig's ear into a silk purse, I am just going to release it into the wild.  I think I do have some good points about the game in the review, but I just don't care about it (both the game and the review) to polish it up.  So, enjoy?

These days the word "tragic" is bandied about by pretty little plastic newspeople and used to describe incidents and occurrences that are anything but tragic.  Plane crashes are not tragedy.  Random work shootings are not tragedy.  Iraq is not a tragedy, though an argument could be made for Bush's foreign policy decisions as being tragic.

No, tragedy is what happens when an otherwise bright light of the world is brought low by an inherent flaw that the light cannot, or will not, overcome.  Oedipus Rex.  Hamlet.  King Lear.  Othello.  Tom Cruise.  All brought low by jealousy, fear, anger, hate, and pseudo-religious bunk masquerading  as legitimate faith.  Which one was brought low by which I will leave up to you to decide.

It is with this traditional definition in hand that I turn now to the subject of this review - Rygar: The Legendary Adventure.

Unearthing The Past

When Tecmo announced in 2001 that they were going to be releasing an update of their late 80's classic Rygar, there was much rejoicing to be had.  Personally, I don't know why as I have never played the original Rygar, and very likely would have sucked at it if I had.  What did get me excite were the screen shots they released.  Gorgeous environments, detailed sprites, and oodles of enemies on the screen at the same time!  Truly, Rygar: The Legendary Adventure look like it was going to be one sweet piece of platforming goodness.

Then the game was released in November, 2002, and I never heard anything more about it.  Huh.  I wonder why?

Well, at some point last Fall I finally decided to pick up a used copy of R:TLA from my local Gamestop and find out for myself what it was about the game that had caused the hype to vanish faster than the new Iraqi Government's credibility.  It was six bucks used, so I figured that if it ended up sucking as much as the six dollar price tag suggested I wouldn't be railing against the injustice of the Universe the way I had after playing through Pariah.

Hey Boy...Lookin' Pretty Good in That Leather Kilt There Boy...

First up, the graphics still look good even when held up against more recently releases.  Blocky, but still good.  And colorful.  And pretty.  And those are just the polygons used for actual game play.   The rendered cut scenes look even better!

The backgrounds are pre-rendered set pieces, but with a nifty added twist - there is a whole lot of breakable crap on every level, and all of it is nearly seamlessly blended with pre-renders so as to be nearly indistinguishable.  It is from smashing columns, bas-reliefs, vases, and walls that players pick up most of the useful items.  Sadly, these items do not regenerate, and neither does the destructible bits.  Good for adding an element of realism to an utterly unrealistic game, but horribly, horribly bad for sucky players like me.

However, all is not sweetness and light in the Land of Milk and Honey; having pre-rendered backgrounds means also having a fixed camera that follows pre-set angles and patterns.  This is fine for most parts of most levels, but it quickly grows to be a major annoyance when trying to position Rygar to make a particularly tricky jump.  Not only that, but perspective will change dramatically when moving from one room to another.  For instance, when running "up" a corridor to the next room the camera sits behind Rygar, but as soon as he enters the next room the camera suddenly swings around to the front of Rygar; if the player does not immediately let up on the thumb stick, Rygar will do an about face and run back into the previous room.

And that will really piss you off after about the third time.

Another drawback that the game has is the incredibly stiff animation of Rygar.  He goes thudding through levels like an elephant wearing lead tap shoes.  In a way this makes sense as Rygar is shown wearing a bronze-and-leather kilt, breastplate, with a honkin' huge spiked shield strapped to one arm, and all that metal is going to weigh a man down.  However, it still detracts from the game experience because rather than controlling a dynamic warrior with fluid movements, players instead find themselves controlling Stumpy the Wonder Golem.

Enemies, Enemies, Everywhere ... and not one of the little fuckers will drop a Cadeceus

Another strong point of R:TLA is the sheer number of enemies that will crowd the screen, lusting for a little Argonian Man Meat.  Okay, the number really isn't that high, but when a player is whipping his diskarmour about with wild abandoned, it can certainly seem like there are hundreds of enemies on screen at once. 

In reality, I think the number tops out at about twelve, but this belies another neat trick that the designers used; as soon as one enemy is vanquished, another drops in to take its place.  Thus, players will find themselves slaughtering forty or fifty prehistoric caterpillars in order to clear a level.  This can be great fun in later levels (much later levels...in fact, secret extra dungeon levels, but not regular levels) when several different kinds of enemies will swarm Rygar at once.

Also, it is in combat where the main conceit of the game, the Diskarmours, come into play.  Rygar starts off with one (Hades), and in short order gains two more (Heaven and Sea).  Each has its own unique attack pattern (long range but straight attacks, mid-range but swings wide, and short range but extremely quick attacks), with huge list of possible combos.  Battles can be won with straight button mashing, but the game is easier with a few of the more powerful combos.

Alas, button-mashing is all you really need to do as most boss battles consist of figuring out which weak spot to hit, and then hammering at it like mad.  The same can be said for the above-mentioned enemy swarms which demonstrates an unfortunate lack of balance in the game.  Due to this lack of balance, the choice of which diskarmour to use really comes down to a personal choice on the part of the player.

Homer is spinning in his grave

While the author of the Iliad and the Odyssey might well take exception to the way the script writers have mangled and felched the history of ancient Greece in order to create this game, I found the result to be funny and engaging.  While the voice-acting and dialog are both of a cringe-inducing type of cheese, at the same time they come across with such puppy dog-like earnestness that one can't help but give them a pass.  Intentional or not (I'm guessing not), this harkens back to the heyday of the 8-bit console era when Rygar first made its appearance, and nicely evokes a sense of nostalgia.

And that's it.  That is as far as I got.  Rather than try and force the issue, I'll just close out the review here and now.  R:TLA is a decent game, and a worthy addition to your gaming library, especially since it can be picked up for a song.  The story is enjoyable, the graphics are pretty, and mindlessly pounding the crap out of mindless enemies can be fun.  Buy it and be happy.

Giants: Citizen Kabuto - Planet Moon Studios has a finely tuned sense of the absurd

Escapist. Dreamer.  Lazy little @#*& who needs to clean his room!  I am these and many more.

My latest method of altering my reality is Giants: Citizen Kabuto by Planet Moon Studios.  Originally released way back in 2000, this was Giants pushed several boundaries of game convention: it had really shiny and sweet graphics; a laugh-out-loud plot, and even managed to blend a couple different gaming genres together.  Further, the original model for the character of Delphi had her topless.  Naturally, that didn't fly.

Given all this, the question is then - how does it hold up?  And the answer is - pretty well.

Pretty, Pretty Polygons

Six years on, the graphics are not going to knock the socks off of anyone playing this game as gamers now take for granted what wowed people back then.  That said, this game still looks very good.  The sprites are detailed, motion is smooth, explosions are explody, and the sprays of green blood satisfying.  While some of the terrain is rather angular and awkward looking, the sprite models themselves are smooth an (in the case of Delphi) curvy.

Funny, funny shite

I grew up watching Benny Hill, Fawlty Towers, and Monty Python.  In later years I would watch the BBC productions of Sherlock Holmes on Masterpiece Theater, and even caught some episode of Jeeves & Wooster.  College introduced me to Red Dwarf.  All this is to say that I have a rather non-American-like sense of humor, one that finds the humor and cutscenes in Giants to be hysterically funny.  From the opening scene of Baz getting thrown from his spaceship and screaming "YOU VICIOUS BASTARD!" back at his pilot, to the closing cinematic of the victory celebration, I found myself laughing out loud constantly.

Run and Gun and maybe Build a Base or Two

With the graphics being a nice middle point (by today's standards), and the humor as the definite high point, that leaves the actual game play to be the low point. This is not to say that G:CK is not fun to play.  It is almost always fun to run around and shoot things.  Almost.  The missions are varied and plentiful - ranging from the simple run-and-gun, to the simplistic base-building scenarios that introduce some RTS elements into the game.  Sadly, "simple" describes all the missions, and this detracts from the fun.  Even on the more advanced maps, the objectives are still pretty much the same, with only the number and types of enemies increasing to make things more difficult.

Summary Judgement

I think it is this lack of complexity in the missions that really kept this game from being a runaway hit as everything else is so strong and excellent.  Unfortunately, that is one of the risks of being the first to try something; sometimes it doesn't work as well as one would have hoped.  Though, cme to think of it, I can't seem to bring to mind any game that has successfully incorporated run-and-gun gameplay with RTS elements.  The two genres are so very different as to make a compelling synthesis of the two very difficult.

Final Analysis

Had this game been weaker in the story department, and to a lesser extent in the graphics department, the simple gameplay would surely have scuttled this promising title as it did with Future Tactics.  Gods, that story was lame!  But I digress.  The humor and story serve to save Giants: Citizen Kabuto from the Abyss of Bad Games into which Future Tactics enthusiastically threw itself.

Recommendation:  Worth it, especially for the cut scenes.

Post Script

I played the PS2 version of G:CK which had Delphi wearing a bikini top.  If you play the PC version there is a way to play with as Delphi in her original glory.  It involves removing the file "arpfix.gzp" from the BIN folder.  Do not delete it, just move it to another folder.

Conker: Live & Reloaded is Neutered and Annoying

I am an escapist.  Shocking, I know, but I am stronger for the admission.  My current method of choice for escaping reality is video games, and just like it used to be with sci-fi/fantasy novels, I usually have three or four going at once.  Today's subject is a game to which I was really looking forward to playing: Conker: Live & Reloaded for the Xbox.  Read on below for my take.

A Bit of Background 
Oh, Rare...what happened to you?  You used to be the premier third-party developer for Nintendo, and your Donkey Kong Country was quite possibly the deciding factor in Nintendo's victory over Sega in the 16-bit Cold War.  Come the move to the N64 and again you wowed the world with Golden Eye 007 - but then something happened.  Your next few games generated positive reviews and critical acclaim, but the honey was starting to ferment, and the moon was starting to wane.  The last game you released for the N64, before getting bought by Microsoft, was Conker's Bad Fur Day, and it is here we begin our tale. 

Conker's Bad Fur Day was a departure for Rare in that it was a mature title (complete with drinking, cursing, poop, and small penis jokes) targeted at the adult crowd.  Perhaps for this reason, Nintendo refused to promote the game and so sales were poor despite strong reviews and laurels.  Still, there was a very vocal fan base for the game so it is perhaps no surprise that a revamped Conker was Rare's first release for their new corporate masters.  After all, what better way to convert a gamer to a new system than by offering a beloved game with some shiny new features?

Alas, poor Conker, I knew him...

Depth Impressions
Well, I did not actually know Conker before his transition to the Xbox, but I can still make judgments about the original based on the remake I have in hand.  Both games have the same irreverent humor, the same parodies, the same poop jokes, pretty much the same level design, and the same frustrating jumping schema.  The most obvious difference between the two games, however, is that the Xbox version of Conker sports a brand new set of Neuticles.  Every single curse word -excepting "arse", which most Americans wouldn't recognize as a word anyway- is now bleeped out.

Even so, given the other elements that stayed the same, I have to wonder, why the love for this game?

Poop Jokes =! Mature: Yes, Conker's deep cynicism, greed, and selfish motivations are a refreshing change in a genre populated by altruistic and selfless avatars of public decency; but potty mouths and potty humor do not a "Mature" title make.  For example, in one of the early levels Conker is tasked with getting cows to poop so that the giant Liverpudlian dung beetles can roll him a giant ball of poo.  To do this, Conker must get three cows to drink deep of a trough of prune juice, which has the effect of making them shit uncontrollably.  The cinematic cut scene shows the first cow standing there, a steady stream of shite pouring from her arse into a hole in the ground.  For the first five seconds it is kind of funny, but the scene goes for another fifteen before stopping.

Yeah, a full twenty seconds of watching a cow crap into a hole in the floor.  Hee.  Hee.

Add in the incessant fart noises that permeate the level - and the fact that Conker has to go swimming through a river of shite -  and the novelty of an entire level of excrement in a Nintendo game begins to wear thin really fast.  The one place where Rare's obsession with crap pays off is in the form of the Great Mighty Poo, an opera-singing mountain of shit that Conker has to flush.  Most. Creative. Boss.  Ever.

Seriously, a humongus mound of operatic crap is genius, but a entire subworld of shite?  Juvenile.  And that sums up the entirety of the "adult" humor of the game.  It is juvenile.  Poop jokes.  Defeating the caveman boss to reveal he has a small penis.  Getting drunk and pissing to put out flame demons.  Some moments are cuter than others, a couple are laugh-out-loud funny, but mostly it is just juvie crap.

But How Does it Play?
Okay, so the humor didn't sell me on the game; what about the actual gameplay itself?  Surely Rare got that right?  Well, mostly - I mean, they get an 'A' for effort, but a 'C+' for implementation.

C:L&R is your standard 3D platformer; there is running, jumping, super jumping, and a helicoptery tail-spinning thingy to get across larger gaps.  Conker's health is measured in chocolate squares, and lives are numerated with squirrel tails that can be located through out the levels.  The levels themselves all feed off of an central map, with saving being accomplished automatically at set check points.

Overall, the level designs are very creative with novel puzzles which should make for an enjoyable platform game.  The problem lies in some of the design choices, and in the sloppiness of the controls.  For instance, accidentally dropping Conker into a pit of lava will not make him jump back onto the ledge with his tail on fire, and minus a chunk of chocolate; no, it make Conker jump around all over the lava pit, until he finally dies.  This happens more than you might like as jumping while running requires you to jump long before Conker gets to the edge of something, rather than the industry standard of being able to run to an edge, and then jump.

Another source of frustration with the controls was how inconsistent the sensitivity could be.  Standing on a narrow bridge, trying to walk across, and the slightest twitch will send Conker over the edge and to his death.  Yet, when in a tank, or in one of the FPS segments, the controls are sluggish and ill-responsive precisely when extreme accuracy is needed.

And I will not get myself started on the hoverboard level.

Now, I am not the most coordinated person to ever wield a controller, but I can walk and chew bubblegum at the same time, and what I found most annoying about these control issues was that they did not make the game challenging, they simply made it frustrating.  Challenging means that when I finally manage to beat the level, or the boss, or the mini-game, I feel a sense of accomplishment; frustrating means that when I finally beat the level/boss/mini-game I want to find the programmers responsible and commit grievous bodily harm.

Guess which feeling the hoverboard level inspired in me?

Should I Shell Out For it?
Are you a frat boy, or fourteen year old?  Then yeah, you'll get a kick out of it.  For everyone else I say "rent it if you can find it, or pick it up used if you remember to", otherwise, give it a pass.

Post Script
I really wonder why this game suffered the heavy censorship that it did.  Yes, there is a lot of cursing in the game, but that is why it received the 'M' game rating.  Hell, you can boink Playmates in  Playboy: The Mansion, and the atrocious Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude has topless women, and gratuitous sex.  Both those games are also rated 'M' for mature audiences, and they didn't get neutered the way Conker was, and from what I have read on the Web, that neuturing is probably what sank the sales of Conker: Live & Reloaded.

Or maybe it was the fact that it just wasn't a very good game.

Pariah - Truth in Advertising

I am an escapist.  Shocking, I know, but I am stronger for the admission.  My current method of choice for escaping reality is video games, and just like it used to be with sci-fi/fantasy novels, I usually have three or four going at once.  Today I wish to speak about Pariah, a recent entrant into the well-represented field of the first person shooter.  As such, it has all the standards of a typical FPS; multiple weapons, alt-fire modes for the weapons, boring enemy A.I., and a bare-bones story.


Gameplay:
The gameplay is standard FPS.  Get weapon, kill things.  Get new weapon, kill more things.  Oh look, a vehicle - {yawn}.  The weapons are boring.  The combat is tiresome and boring.  Hearing enemies shout the same three insults even long after they stop making sense in the context of the story is especially monotonous, tiresome, and yes, boring.

Story:
At first I thought the title referred to Mason, the maverick Special Forces doctor (what happened to "First: Do No Harm?), who is the main character.  He fits as his run-ins with his superiors have reduced him to transporting sick prisoners between various military prisons.  Then, about halfway into the game, it is revealed that "Pariah" is the name of the top secret bio-weapons program that the warden of one of the prisons is involved in.  (side note: Excuse me?  A doctor who is a weapons expert, and now a prison warden who dabbles in genetic engineering?  This strains the limits of my suspension of disbelief.)  Presumably the program is called "Pariah" because it involves the taboo of reverse-engineering a particularly potent bio-weapon recovered from the enemy in the last war (a weapon that just happens to be the shapely female prisoner, Karina, the doctor is supposed to be escorting). 

And then I got to the end, and watched the final cut scene in which the suddenly much more sympathetic Mason kills himself and Karina blows herself up, and I realized that the developers named the game "Pariah" as a warning to potential players.  They knew full well the kind of rodent-screw they were involved in, but as they were contractually obligated to finish the game, they came up with a way to try and warn others away.

Understanding this, the title now reads as "Stay Away!  Here There Be 25 Hours of Mediocre FPS Action Capped Off With An Ending That Will Make You Want To Play Russian Roulette With An Automatic!!"

And thus, Pariah becomes the most perfectly named video game off the year.

Is it worth it?
Hell no!  At $5.00 this would be merely a depressing waste of money; at the current retail price of $25.00, it is a soul-crushing waste of time and money! 

Post Script:
In the last review I bemoaned how huge chunks of the story seemingly went missing from Advent Rising, and how this hurt the narrative of the story.  Pariah suffers from something similar, only instead of chunks of the story missing due to rushed development, they were just never included in the first place.  This leaves the player with very little reason to give a damn about the characters, and it lessens the emotional impact of the final scene. 

Had I known at the beginning of the game that Mason had a daughter who died some years before, and the the Shroud were capable of cloning dead people, then Mason's betrayal of Karina to the Shroud would have made much more sense.  Rather than simply thinking Mason's a douche, the player would be able to sympathize with him, and it would've made Karina's plaintive "I trusted you!" sting all the more.  That emotional gravitas would then have carried over to the ending where Mason realizes that the only way to save Karina is to kill her, and that as the only surviving vector for the virus, he would be forever hunted by both the Alliance and the Shroud.  Suddenly, his decision to eat a bullet makes sense, as does his inability to kill Karina.  Mason becomes a tragic hero who cannot overcome his flaws to save his loved ones.

Sadly, developer Digital Extremes decided to fore-go any attempts at narrative pacing, so that instead of inspiring sympathy and melancholy, the game inspires outrage and anger.  And thoughts of "...down the block, not across the street!"

Addendum:

I forgot to mention, this is Pariah for the PC, though I can't imagine the Xbox version being any better.  Actually, I suspect it is a good deal worse; not only do you have the boring weapons, maps,  combat, and downer of an ending, but you have to suffer through all that using a control pad instead of a keyboard/mouse.  Ugh.

Advent Rising - Not Quite to the Top, but Near Enough

I am an escapist.  Shocking, I know, but I am stronger for the admission.  My current method of choice for escaping reality is video games, and just like it used to be with sci-fi/fantasy novels, I usually have three or four going at once.

One recently played game was Advent Rising for the Xbox/PC.  This much-hyped game from 2005 suffered from a number of serious flaws that kept it from achieving a level of success that would have justified its development costs.  It was also the straw the broke Majesco’s back, and nearly sank the company.

I knew all about the Advent Rising’s problems, which is why I decided to rent the game rather than buying it.  While currently $19.99 in any software store, I had heard so much bad press about the game that I wasn’t sure I would pay that much for it.

Below are my thoughts on the game.

Combat:  In any game where combat is a focus it must also be enjoyable, and Advent Rising tried hard.  Really, really hard.  Sadly, much like the plot, the grandiose aims of the design were a trifle weak in the actual execution.  Said design had the player able to equip two weapons: one on the right, and one on the left.  Smaller firearms (pistols, SMG's, and certain assault rifles) could be dual-wielded and fired simultaneously, while larger weapons required both hands to use.  This allowed the player to pick and choose their weapons, and added an element of strategy to how players dealt with various enemies.  Sniper rifle and shotgun-equivalent, or go John Woo with twin heavy pistols?  To further sweeten the deal, the more the player used a particular weapon, the more proficient the character becomes with it, leading to increases in ammo, accuracy, and opening up new abilities.

However, the fly in this ointment is the crux on which the entire game is based - the psychic abilities.  In the Advent Rising universe humans are supposed to be latent gods with incredible psychic abilities, and just as with weapons, the more the various psi-attacks are used, the stronger and more versatile they become.  Thus, there is little point to using weapons once the psychic abilities are gained.  In fact, the weapons become superfluous upon the activation of the very first psychic attack.  And that is a pity because the weapons were a lot of fun to use.

Story:  Generally speaking, looking for a deep, involving story in a video game is equivalent to seeking the same from a porno.  However, when the promo materials are all flogging the epic storyline angle, a body can’t help but have expectations raised.  Which is why I was so disappointed by the story’s fifth-grade level of plotting, and barely two dimensional protagonists.  I mean, when I can call a character's fate within 10 seconds of their introduction, or know who the ultimate boss is going to be based on an early player choice and following cut scene, then something is seriously broken.

Another frustration was that there were huge sections of the story that are glossed over by disjointed cinematics, though research after the fact indicates that some of those gaps would have been covered in a now-canceled side story for the PSP.  Further research has revealed that certain scenes (such as Gideon dealing with his grief over a loved one) were cut due to the rushed development that the game experienced.

Still, despite these flaws, the story and characters did manage to hook me in, and I found myself disappointed once the credits started to roll that there would be no sequels forthcoming.  For while I had been able to correctly predict every important character's arc perfectly, I still wanted to know what was going to happen next.  I wanted to see how the character's would deal with the next set off obstacles, and what those obstacles would be.  The pyromanic in me also dearly wanted to play with Marin's burgeoning flame-based psi-attacks. 

Is It Worth The Price?: If approached as a strong B-grade game, and not the Triple-A title it wanted to be, then expectations will be met, and fun will be had.  So yes it is worth the current $19.99 price tag.  Better yet, it can now be downloaded through STEAM, giving you access to the more polished PC version. 

post script: A final thought before parting; the near entirety of Edumea’s female population appear to be clones of one single woman – Advent Rising’s “Eve” if you will.  The only exceptions are the Ambassador, Olivia, and Marin.  I know it was probably done to save on development costs, but it was one of those little things that took away from my enjoyment of the game.  Also, all the women seem to own the same lavender underwear.  Yes, I checked, and no, I am not going to justify myself to you.

addendum: Just to clarify, I played the Xbox version.  I have heard that the PC version is more polished owing to a later release date, but I have no first-hand knowledge of that.