Today on Maury Povich – Princesses Who Love Princesses!
{camera pans over two women sitting next to each other, hands tightly clasped. The one on the right, Princess 1, has her blond hair really short in a butch cut with her tiara perched haphazardly atop her head, wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog tee shirt, Carhartt’s, and work boots; her partner, Princess 2, also a blond, wears her hair very long and is wearing a flowing dress that has an intricate pattern sewn into the bodice. Her ears, where they show through he hair, are pointy, and her crown sits proudly atop her head. She maintains a very regal presence}
{microphone cuts in on Princess 1 mid-speech}
Princess 1: -mean, have you seen him? He’s short, fat, hairy, and has a huge ego! He’s always going on about how “It’s a-him!” It’s so fucking annoying!
Maury: But he protects you, and rescues you from danger, right?
P1: Bullshit! If he wasn’t constantly playing “Plumbers” {P1 uses air quotes} with that creepy co-dependent brother of his, then I wouldn't be constantly kidnapped! And I swear. To. God. He actually hired that pervy bastard with the replica castles to kidnap me just so he could always rescue me!
Maury: Do you have proof?
P1: Well, no…but still, I hate always having to dress up in frilly pink dresses and long wigs just so he can gets his jollies! But I don’t have to do that with Zee.
{Camera zooms in as P1 looks over at P2 with great fondness}
P1: She loves me for Who I am, not for What I am!
{camera lingers over the princesses as P1 places her other hand over P2’s that clasps her other one, and P2 squeezes it affectionately}
Maury: And Zee, how does your man feel about all this?
{P2 – Zee- shrugs}
Zee: Why don’t you ask him?
Maury: Good idea! Joining us via satellite link-up is Ell. Ell, how do you feel about all this?
{the face that appears on the screen looks young, but his eyes look old before their time. The man-child is dressed in somewhat anachronistic clothes, and there appears to be the hilt of a sword protruding up behind his back}
{The boy/man shrugs at Maury’s question}
Ell: Why the hell should I care who she sleeps with? I’m only her bodyguard.
Maury: Only her bodyguard? But you’ve been through so much to save her time after time! There has to be something more there to risk so much to save her!”
{Ell shakes his head and laughs}
Ell: Nah, man there isn’t! She pays me a shit-ton of cash, and I haul her bacon outta the fire time after time. Besides, everyone knows that I’ve been pretty serious with that farmgirl for awhile now!
Maury: So, you’ve never been, ah, intimate with Zee?
Ell: Dude, no! A bodyguard never gets involved with his client! Besides, butch dykes don’t do it for me.
Maury: So you’ve never been in a three-way?
Ell: Not with Zee, no.
{a mischievous twinkle enters Ell’s eyes}
Ell: But I did convince my girl to have a go with me and this hot foreign exchange student that was here from some dark continent, or dark land, or some such shit. Man, that was hot!
{the crowd hoots and hollers at this, and Ell grins a huge shit-eating grin}
Maury: Okay folks, we have to take a break now, but joins us after the commercials when a surprise guest comes on to confront our two lovely lesbian princesses!
{the camera pans back over the crowd before cutting to backstage and the image of a bunch of daisies sitting on an empty chair}
