A Bureaucracy of One

Superman Sex Dolls and IM Chats

I saw this link on Twitter today. Alas, it is not real, but a shoop. Still, it generated a chat most amusing with a friend - a chat I wish to share with you!

 

me: dude, check out the link that @choochoobear just tweeted.

11:28 AM Mysterious Friend: How to fold a flag?

 me: no, after that

11:29 AM Mysterious Friend: W! T! F?!?

11:30 AM me: yeah, pretty much my reaction

11:33 AM Mysterious Friend: What's the purpose of that hideous fellatio hole in his face?

11:35 AM me: My bet is that a sex toy factory had an overrun on the Hungerin' Hank sex doll, and someone had the bright idea of dressing it up like Superman and selling it to the kiddies

11:39 AM Mysterious Friend: Makes more sense that i want it to.  I bet Lex Luthor has like 12.

11:41 AM me: the Vidal Sassoon model Superman from the mid-90's when he "died" is his favorite.

He loves to just cuddle close and stroke its hair.

11:46 AM Mysterious Friend: Part of me shuddered when I read that...the other part imagined him doing it wear a Lois Lane outfit. I am a conflicted man.

11:47 AM me: The confliction is funny, though.

11:48 AM Mysterious Friend: Ultimately that is all that is really important.

 me: indeed

11:49 AM Mysterious Friend: If we lived closer I would attempt to coerce you into starring as Lex in a short film based on this.

11:50 AM You'd make a good Lex Luthor.

11:51 AM me: Thanks, but there is no way I am dressing up as Lois Lane. Bitch has Barbie proportions, and my waist is waaaaay to big!

11:52 AM Mysterious Friend: We wouldn't focus on that.

11:53 AM Really the focus would be on the red dress and putting on the make up.

11:56 AM me: This is the song that Lex will sing as he gets dressed:

 

11:57 AM it's even funnier if you know that Maia Sharp is a lesbian.

12:03 PM Mysterious Friend: That is perfect.

12:04 PM me: Lex ends the song sobbing the last refrain quietly while using the hem of his dress to smear-wipe the tears that are ruining his mascara.

12:05 PM Mysterious Friend: You are a true genius.

  I don't know how I missed this but I wish it had come out on the Wii.

12:06 PM me: what, the Superman Sex doll? Now, that would be an awkward accessory

 Mysterious Friend: Seems like more of a Kinect accessory.

12:09 PM me: oh man, wouldn't that just make it awesome? "Mount Superman from behind, and thrust wildly to simulate sex - the screen will vibrate erratically when climax is near - when vibrations are at their peak, donkey punch Superman to ensure ensure highest score!

12:11 PM Mysterious Friend: That would make an awesome mini game. Would it come with little purple trunks that have a pocket in the crotch for the nun chuck?

12:11 PM me: Nah, you just stick in your pants

12:14 PM Mysterious Friend: I already do when ever I play baseball on Wii Sports.

12:16 PM me: Really? I do it for Tennis and Bowling. I like to imagine that my testicles are detachable, and that they are the size of cannonballs.

 

 

 

 

Day Three, And Already I Resort to Filler

Have you heard the one about the narcissistic scientist who was in love with his own clone? At karaoke he'd sing "When I Think About Me, I F*** Myself".

What?

I'm just trying to set things up so that you understand why I find this video about a Mega Man 2 ROM Hack so damned funny...

Okay, well that would've been what I was going to post if I hadn't flaked out and forgotten which video it was that I wanted to talk about it. But trust me, it was funny!

Actually, it is just as well that I can't find that video as it would fit in better with a discussion of Let's Plays that I had an idea for earlier today. We won't be talking about that, either, because I decided to read another LP rather than gather material for a post. 

Fret not however, as I have a plan! Or at least, filler. I give you an epic My Little Pony AMV!

Yes. My Little Pony.

What? Did I stutter? 

My.

Little.

Pony.

Because Friendship IS Magic, bitches.

 

Honestly, if after watching it you don't find that video even a little bit awesome, then you and I can't be friends.

Practically Perfect is not Perfectly Perfect

Late to The Game: Call of Duty (Or, How many Times Can I Die in 3 Hours)

This is my running commentary of my first time playing a Call of Duty game.  Specifically, CoD: Black Ops. If you don't want to read it, I'll summarize: I suck, and die a whole lot. 37 times in a three and a half hour period.  That makes it about 1 Death every 5.5 minutes.

 

11:58 am: Black Ops loaded and waiting for me to 'Press START button'.  First, more fruit smoothie.

12:01 pm: Options set, time for the Campaign!

12:04 pm: So, they are going with the whole torture/flashback set up as a narrative device, huh? Okay.

12:06 pm: Aaaand... I'm dead!  I forget that the CoD games pride themselves on realism, and that for accuracy you have to aim down the sights. Borderlands this ain't.

12:09 pm: Dead again, and right as I reached the objective.  Also, why is R1 for shooting, and R2 for Grenades?  Hm, okay, Default ALT changes that around.

12:12 pm: Oh, and the character models?  Creepy mannequin motion.

12:18 pm: I think I see the appeal of the CoD games, but I'm not sure I'm going to enjoy it in the long run. There's more of an emphasis on stealth, accuracy, and picking the right moment.  I'm more of a run 'n' gun kinda guy.  Well, maybe more gun and less run. But hey, I get to not-kill Castro in this historically accurate simulation!

12:24 pm: Play interrupted for emergency kitty lap session. Also, the incredible accuracy demonstrated by my AI squadmates in the tutorial mission? Gone.  Apparently we haven't been able to kill Castro yet because nobody can shoot straight.

12:27 pm: Dead again. I'm also the only one that knows how to use grenades.  When I remember I have them.

12:29 pm: I'm sorry, what? Check my weapon? You're the braindead dipshit that walked into my line of fire!

12:30 pm: Oh, gawdsdammit!  I can't actually L1 target that dipshit!  I can only "accidentally" shoot him.

12:31 pm: Oh wait, I can! I just have to let him get far enough ahead of me.

12:33 pm: That's three more deaths as I try and remember what button 'Crouch' is, and how to melee.

12:36 pm: Huh, so I'm supposed to pop a cap in Castro from across the room as he's hiding behind a hostage, with only an iron-sighted .45.  Oh, and that makes eight deaths. Maybe ten.  I lost track in the tutorial.

12:39 pm: So yeah, I just killed Castro.

Reading Too Much Between the Lines - Ripley and Dick-headed Aliens

While doing brainless work yesterday (my favorite time to brain-storm) I had an epiphany about the 80's cartoon Jem and the Holograms that reminded me of another epiphany I had a couple years ago about how the Alien Trilogy is really a parable for Ripley's struggle with being a lesbian.  

See, we all know that the Aliens are just giant walking penis monsters so in the first movie the Alien represents Ripley's subconscious dread at admitting to her friends that she is gay.  As she struggles to come to grips with the truth herself, the Alien consumes and eliminates her shipmates mirroring her fears that her homosexuality will drive them away.  In the end of the movie, rather than facing down her fear and admitting to the truth, she metaphorically puts her head in the sand by blowing the alien out the airlock and putting herself into hyper sleep.

I just blew your mind, didn't I?  I know, because it blew mine when I first realized it.

Now that I've laid out the basic premise, you can practically see how it plays out in the second movie without me even telling, right?  Because the second movie was about Ripley facing up to the fact that being gay meant that she would never have children, only to discover an ersatz family in Newt and Hicks.  Rahter than her own internal fear of being gay, the big mama Alien now symbolized the hetero-normative ideal of Motherhood (just stand there and squirt out children), and Ripley's mano-a-power loader brawl with Mother Ugly was an externalization of Ripley's new-found desire to fight the social persecution she'd been fleeing from in the first movie.  The fact that Hicks is crippled and scarred at then end just means that Ripley now has two "children" to take care of, without any of that icky sexy getting in the way.

Dude, this shit is heavy, and it only gets heavier!

With the third movie I get onto shaky ground as I have never seen it (never mind the fact I haven't seen the first one), but I think my conclusion will bear true from what I have read on the Internet.  When Ripley wakes up, she finds that her new family has been killed by the Aliens, and she has been placed on a prison planet full of men.  The crimes these men have committed are never stated, but it is obviously a metaphor for how the Hetero-norms wish to quarantine all gays.  I mean, a bunch of lonely men trapped on a planet with no women?  As my sister's father-in-law says, "If the monkeys do it; the Mormons do it!" (i.e. buttsex).  This tells me that Ripley never actually woke up, and that she is actually trapped in her own psyche, and still trying to come to grips with her homosexuality.  So, Ripley spends the next two hours running around the prison, losing her friends and allies - really, just figments representing her shattered sanity - to the monsters created by her hetero-norm conditioning, and angst-ing more than a fifteen-year old boy worrying about the length of his penis.  In the end, Ripley's sanity is so shattered, and her psyche so damaged, that she cannot function at all.  In a last, desperate bid to at least die sane, she embraces the hetero-norm-Mother-archetype that is growing within her, and swallows her own tongue falls into a cauldron of molten lead.

Alien Resurrection never happened.

So, what did that have to do with Jem and the Holograms?  Well, I'll save that for another post as I don't want you all to fail your Sanity Checks.

Comic Book Physics - Wolverine Does the 220v Mambo

He Who Needs Not Be Named and I were  chatting the other day when he mentioned something that I had never given thought to before, but that once it was pointed out to me I couldn't stop thinking about. HWNNBN (what, you think I'm going to keep typing that out?) posited that since Wolverine's claws were made of metal (unbreakable adamantium, for those not geeky enough to know), then it should stand to reason that he should be electrocuted whenever he rams his claws into a robot's power source.  

Now, given that Wolverine has a mutant healing factor this slight oversight on the part of comic book writers isn't really that big of a deal.  Sure, Wolverine risks a short death every time Ultron or the Sentinels attack, but at worst, I thought, it would be a minor inconvenience for everyone's favorite comic book Canuck.

Then HWNNBN sent me the below email, and I realized how wrong I was.  Death is not nearly the worst thing that Wolverine faces; not by far.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Our scene opens with Wolverine, Cyclops, and Rogue fighting several U-bots (robot minions of Ultron) in a shipyard. Cyclops starts taking them out from a distance as Rogue barrels through them)

Wolverine: I'm not gonna let them have all the fun. (He dives at a cluster of four U-bots. He starts by slicing the head off of the first and throws the body at two others. Then he lunges at the fourth and plants his claws directly into it's chest. 

As soon as his fists hit the U-bot's chest his hair sticks straight out, he starts shaking uncontrollably, and smoke starts comes out of his nose and ears. He continues his electrocution mambo until Cyclops blasts the U-bot away. Wolverine falls to the ground in a slight smoking heap.)

Cyclops: Logan, are you all right? (He rushes over and kneels on one knee to check his fallen team mate)

(Rogue flies in and lands a couple yards away from Cyclops and Wolverine. She starts towards the two men.)

Rogue: Oh mah gawd. Is he gonna be alri- (she is cut off by a 'splish' sound) WHAT THE HELL?!? (She looks down at ground) Oh damn that's lotta piss!

Cyclops: Fuck! It is piss and I'm kneeling in it! (He jumps backs and starts urgently wiping at his knee) How much frigging beer did you drink today? It's not even 4:00pm yet!

(Wolverine struggles to get to his feet)

Wolverine: That's not mine, bub.

Cyclops: Tell that to my dry cleaners, Logan.

Wolverine: No, really. That was already there.

Rogue: Raight, Wolvie. Some one else just happened to take a HUGE piss right here before our fight.

Cyclops: It's still warm.

(Wolverine is visibly agitated at this)

Wolverine: Look, I just took about 10,000 volts and was dead for a few moments there. Let's see either of you do that and keep your pants dry.

Cyclops: I suppose you have a point.

Rogue: Okay, okay. Calm down, darlin'. It's not that bigga deal.

(Wolverine brushes himself off as best he can)

Wolverine: Now let's just keep this little incident to ourselves and get going.

(Cyclops and Rogue look and one another and then bust out laughing. Wolverine is very obviously pissed off by this)

Wolverine: All right, fuck you both. I pissed myself, it happens, now grow the fuck up and let it go.

(Cyclops has to take off his visor to wipe the tears away and Rogue is nearly doubled over laughing.)

Rogue: Darlin' it's not that. (She points over Wolverine's shoulder) Look behind you.

(Wolverine looks very puzzled but slowly turns around to see the Avengers, Fantastic Four, Spider-man, and a host of other New York based heroes all standing in the ship yard)

Spider-man: We saw the fireworks and came to help but it looks like you put the fire out all by yourself, Wolvie.

(All of the assembled heroes start laughing hysterically. Wolverine's shoulders slump.)

Wolverine: I'll be in the Blackbird.

Cyclops: Not unless you lay down a towel or something, mister.

(END) 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, Dignity, Logan hardly knew ye!

A Simple Test

When Mere Blasphemy Just Isn't Enough

Following on yesterday's immensely popular post (porn generates hits - who knew?), I give you Divine Interventions, your home for religious idolatry like you have never seen before, and will probably wish you never saw to begin with!  

Bored?  Lonely?  Feel like your everyday perversions just aren't enough?  Then try one of Divine Interventions' quality sex toys, and damn yourself to Hell* with such verve that Satan will fear your giant brass balls!

(NSFW pictures after the break to spare the prudes)

30 Things PORN Has Taught Us

 

2010 - Hilarity Ensues

If I knew a quarter century ago what I know now, 2010 would be a sore disappointment to me.

I know not where that tee shirt is from, but I think having one of my own would be pretty keen.

Know what else is pretty keen?  Unintentionally hilarious form letters from large corporations.  I got one Mark Miller Pontiac-Buick that made me laugh out loud the other day.

With the closing of the local Saturn dealerships, I am sure you are wondering who will be there to take care of all your warranty and maintenance needs.

Uh, well, you see...

That is...

Actually, you what? I think I'm good!

  

YiEMB - The Genius of Weird Al

Weird Al Yankovic is not just a hack singer of parody pop songs.  Hacks don't have nine Grammy Nominations with three wins; four gold, and six platinum, records; or have sold 12+ million albums.  He is a consummate craftsman and a musical auteur.  Below is a playlist of three of his songs - not his most famous, or maybe his best - but ones that exemplify his mastery of absurdity and satire.

The fourth video is a nine minute behind-the-scenes look at the recording of his last album, Straight Out Lynnwood, that I think really captures the professionalism and care that Weird Al has in his approach to his music.  As some wise man once said, "Comedy is serious business".

Pandering to My Demographic

I need more visitors and as I've learned, the best way to get more visitors is to give people what they want to see.  So, the rest of this post is going to be nothing but images guaranteed to generate hundreds of hits on my blog!

First up, BOOBIES!!!

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Next we have some sweet ASSES!!!  w00t! 

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Finally, something certain to titillate the Anime Fanboy demographic : GRATUITOUS PANTRY SHOTS!!!!!  Can I get a "Hell yeah!!"?  Yes, I think I can.

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NOw, to sit back and watch the hit counter ping upward! 

  

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up (to be Fanboys)

Day Two, and already I am reduced to cheating.  I wrote the below parody sometime ago (2 1/2 years ago!), and promptly forgot about it once I realized how much more work it needed to get it to properly scan.  Here it is with some minor edits and revisions for your "enjoyment".  As an added bonus, I embedded a video of the OUtlaws sing "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies (Grow Up to be Cowboys) at the bottom so this post has at least one redeeming feature.

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up (to be Cowboys)

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be fanboys
 Don't let 'em watch anime and build resin kits
Make 'em be jocks or they'll grow bib man-tits!

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be fanboys
They'll never leave home 'cause their always alone
Too afraid to find someone to love.

Fanboys ain't easy to love as their too large to hold
and they'd rather do cos-play in a bikini of gold
Naruto belt buckles with stained, smelly levis; each night is always the same
Since "no one understands" him, and nobody likes him
He just wants to fade right away.

Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be fanboys
Don't let 'em watch anime and build resin kits
Make 'em play football or they'll grow big man-tits!

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be fanboys
They'll never leave home 'cause their always alone
Too afraid to find someone to love.

Fanboys like darkly lit rooms, and Pocky, and Dew
Little LOLKittens, and Loli's in mittens, with eyes as big as the night
And them that don't know him won't like him
And that them that do sometimes wish that they didn't
But he ain't wrong, he's just different
But his lack of pride won't let him do things to make you think he's right!

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be fanboys
Don't let 'em watch anime and build resin kits
Make 'em play football or they'll grow big man-tits!

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be fanboys
They'll never leave home 'cause their always alone
Too afraid to find someone to love. 

YiEMB - Simon's Cat

Every cat owner knows these are true, and that no artistic license was used to exaggerate events for comedic effect.

Channeling My Inner Emo

Grey Clouds gather holding forth
The false promise of rain
My heavy eyelids
Pregnant with ennui lift
Upward as I shift 
My bored gaze to the sky

For 16 years I have struggled
Through the challenges of the damned
For the burdens of Tantalus and Sisyphus
Are mine to bear

None save the dark lords of Byzantium
Know the depth of my pain
None save the abandoned by-blows of Cruelty
Share my plight

For I...I...am EMOCORE!

Swoosh Family Reunion

I'm looking at this picture I found online, and it is of this attractive asian woman dressed in a red bikini top and miniskirt, straddling a bicycle and leaning forward so that the hem of her mini-skirt is just inching barely over the bottom curve of her buttocks.

However, instead of admiring the view, all I can think about is how her pose makes the back strap of the bikini top, where it curves around to cover her right breast, look like the Nike Swoosh.

In Chats Veritas

Friend: smartass

Me: yes, well, if no one else will appreciate my genius, then I might as well bask in my own glory

Friend: is that a euphamism?

Me: no, but it is a sad statement about my life that it works as one

Friend: hahahah

My Proudest Moment This Week

In the Year 8585

I took this picture of my milage this morning, 

and it inspired my to post this...

(Crank up the volume, the sound quality isn't the best)

Rammstein vs. Winnie the Pooh - Ich Will

via zarucki.soup.io(somewhat NSFW)

Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

Monty Python Meets Star Trek

Black Dynamite!

WARNING! The below trailer is NSFW for Nudity, Foul Language, and Black Dynamite Putting the Smack Down on some Jive Motherf***ers!

Film reportedly sold at Sundance to Sony Pictures for $2 Million, which means we will get to see it in it's glorious Anamorphic Douvision soon!

One Moment of Perfect Beauty - Join the Social

I first saw this over on Boing Boing Gadgets this morning, only to see it featured on Ectomo later this afternoon.  However, since I know the few of you who do read my blog probably don't read those sites (and more's the pity, really) I decided to post it here as well.

When I first had the idea for my One Moment of Perfect Beauty category, I envisioned posting anything and everything that to me encapsulates just that.  The definition of what a "moment" is being very elastic, I wanted to be able to post songs; poems; pictures; or even video clips such as the one below.

WARNING!  Video is mildly NSFW!!

Zune Paint from Sibling Rivalry on Vimeo.

And yes, I do think it is beautiful.  

On Reasons to NOT Get a Golden Doodle

Otter writes and draws one of my favorite webcomics, A Girl and Her Fed, and on occasion, she has shared details of the disaster that is life with her parents' golden doodle, Toby aka Filthspigot.  Let me tell you, from what Otter has relayed in her blog posts, the dog has earned that moniker!

I bring this up now because Otter has written an open letter to President-Elect Obama on what sort of dog NOT to get his daughters, and posted it to her LJ.  Read it as not only is it a cautionary tale of a run-away eugenics program by god dog breeders, but it is also gut-bustingly funny!

John Hodgman - A Brief Digression on Matters of Lost Time

Humorist John Hodgman gives forth on how we are never alone in this universe, even when we are certain we are.

Found via Boing Boing.

Youtube is Eating My Brain - Farts are Funny

At first I was going to showcase the beautiful and talented Clara Belle once more, as she has added three new videos since I featured her this past June.  However, for some reason her fifth video was not showing up on my playlist, so I moved to Plan B, which would have been to finally have a Morcheeba playlist!

Then I took a look at all my previous YiEMB's and realized that I have been a little heavy on the music video playlists.  Thus, I decided to hold Morcheeba in abeyance for another time, and went with something a little more highbrow.  Farts!

First up is a couple of farting monkeys, followed by a Jurassic farting contest, and a nasal assault in a bathtub.  Capping it off is a clip about the dangers of farting on the battlefield.

Enjoy!

Found via Boing Boing.

Today on Maury Povich – Princesses Who Love Princesses!

{camera pans over two women sitting next to each other, hands tightly clasped.  The one on the right, Princess 1, has her blond hair really short in a butch cut with her tiara perched haphazardly atop her head, wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog tee shirt, Carhartt’s, and work boots; her partner, Princess 2, also a blond, wears her hair very long and is wearing a flowing dress that has an intricate pattern sewn into the bodice.  Her ears, where they show through he hair, are pointy, and her crown sits proudly atop her head.  She maintains a very regal presence}

{microphone cuts in on Princess 1 mid-speech}
Princess 1:  -mean, have you seen him?  He’s short, fat, hairy, and has a huge ego!  He’s always going on about how “It’s a-him!”  It’s so fucking annoying!

Maury: But he protects you, and rescues you from danger, right?

P1:  Bullshit!  If he wasn’t constantly playing “Plumbers” {P1 uses air quotes} with that creepy co-dependent brother of his, then I wouldn't be constantly kidnapped!  And I swear.  To. God.  He actually hired that pervy bastard with the replica castles to kidnap me just so he could always rescue me!

Maury: Do you have proof?

P1: Well, no…but still, I hate always having to dress up in frilly pink dresses and long wigs just so he can gets his jollies!  But I don’t have to do that with Zee.
{Camera zooms in as P1 looks over at P2 with great fondness}

P1:  She loves me for Who I am, not for What I am!
{camera lingers over the princesses as P1 places her other hand over P2’s that clasps her other one, and P2 squeezes it affectionately}

Maury:  And Zee, how does your man feel about all this?

{P2 – Zee- shrugs}
Zee:  Why don’t you ask him?

Maury:  Good idea!  Joining us via satellite link-up is Ell.  Ell, how do you feel about all this?

{the face that appears on the screen looks young, but his eyes look old before their time.  The man-child is dressed in somewhat anachronistic clothes, and there appears to be the hilt of a sword protruding up behind his back}

{The boy/man shrugs at Maury’s question}
Ell:  Why the hell should I care who she sleeps with?  I’m only her bodyguard.

Maury: Only her bodyguard?  But you’ve been through so much to save her time after time!  There has to be something more there to risk so much to save her!”

{Ell shakes his head and laughs}
Ell:  Nah, man there isn’t!  She pays me a shit-ton of cash, and I haul her bacon outta the fire time after time.  Besides, everyone knows that I’ve been pretty serious with that farmgirl for awhile now!

Maury:  So, you’ve never been, ah, intimate with Zee?

Ell:  Dude, no!  A bodyguard never gets involved with his client!  Besides, butch dykes don’t do it for me.

Maury: So you’ve never been in a three-way?

Ell:  Not with Zee, no.
{a mischievous twinkle enters Ell’s eyes}
Ell:  But I did convince my girl to have a go with me and this hot foreign exchange student that was here from some dark continent, or dark land, or some such shit.  Man, that was hot!

{the crowd hoots and hollers at this, and Ell grins a huge shit-eating grin}

Maury:  Okay folks, we have to take a break now, but joins us after the commercials when a surprise guest comes on to confront our two lovely lesbian princesses!

{the camera pans back over the crowd before cutting to backstage and the image of a bunch of daisies sitting on an empty chair}

Ectomo has a semi-regular feature called "Your Daily WTF".  Don't worry, I'm not going to try and start my own version; not when theirs is so much more WTF-y.  However, I did feel the need borrow the idea to present the last stop on the ADD-train wreck that was my night. 

I give you...the eight minute musical grand finale of Xanadu!

I have this song lyric stuck in my head.  It goes "I like the way you Smurf it! (No Smurfitty!) I wanna smurf it up!".  Now, obviously Teddy Riley would strangle me with my own intestines if he heard me sing it in his presence, but I still feel the need to inflict introduce this version to the rest of the world.  Alas, due to an innate ability to turn art into shite as soon pen touches paper, I am unable to present it in the my chosen way.

You see, while singing that line to myself I was overcome by a vision - a vision of Harmony, Hefty, Vanity, and Jokey Smurf dancing on stage, with a dapper Brainy Smurf singing the song.  The camera cuts between the male Smurfs dancing, and Smurfette, her little white dress slimmed down to a slinky white satin evening gown, dancing seductively against a wall. 

In my head I can see it as the camera swings in on Brainy and his posse.  They do a couple steps, swaying to the music as the camera swoops in on them.  After a couple beats, the camera cuts to where Smurfette is slowly walking up a red carpet, and then it cuts back to where Brainy and posse begin to sing.  "I like the way you Smurf it!" Brainy croons as Smurfette's satin clad hips sway into the camera's field of view as she enters a club.  "No Smurffity!" responds his posse; Vanity smiling into his mirror, Hefty flexing, Jokey prepping one of his gift boxes, and Harmony with shades down, working the mixing table.  The camera cuts back to Smurfette as she pauses at the edge of the bar and poses, then does a fade back to Brainy as he says "I'd like to Smurf it up!".

It would be magical.  It would be amazing.  it would be animated.

Alas, as I intimated above, I cannot draw for shite, and my little 3rd grade stick figures would not be enough to convey the magnificent spectacle that would be "A Very Smurfy BLACKstreet Tribute".

Alas.

The first robin of spring.

I was just holding my friend's cat in my arms, snuggling with the cute little poopstain, when I suddenly smelled a most wretched aroma.  The little bastard had farted in my face!  And let me tell you, there is little more rancid than the smell of an animal fart.  Whether it be dogs or cats, those little beasts can produce the most gawdawful stench!

What else?  Oh, yes...Samsung makes some really sturdy cell phones.  My little four-tear old phone got sent through the wash twice in as many weeks, and it still works!  However, now I have a Motorola (something I am not entirely pleased with, but I did choose it) and a new Utah number.  I just need to remember to cancel my old Atlanta one.

More?  Oh yes, there's more.  If you are ever getting ready for work and you pause with indecision over whether or not to take your snow boots with you, take them.  The inconvenience of transporting them and not using them that particular day, will be far out-weighed by the delicious feeling of dry feet on the day which you do need them.  If you need further convincing, then read this cautionary tale.

Still want more?  You won't after this.  It is a very special episode of The Smurfs that was commissioned by UNICEF.  To say more would be criminal.  Enjoy!

I had a couple friends read this last night, and they both agreed with me that RAPEBEAR is funny and cures cancer.  Through rape.  SpnCram then sent me a little picture via DS Pictochat of RAPEBEAR ejaculating a rainbow, and at the end of the rainbow was a pot of gold.  That is how awesome RAPEBEAR is.

Witness the glory that is RAPEBEAR.

"The Front Fell Off!"

The Power of Christ Complells Him

Found via Boing Boing.

Today on Maury Povich – Princesses Who Love Princesses!

Today on Maury Povich – Princesses Who Love Princesses!

{camera pans over two women sitting next to each other, hands tightly clasped.  The one on the right, Princess 1, has her blond hair really short in a butch cut with her tiara perched haphazardly atop her head, wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog tee shirt, Carhartt’s, and work boots; her partner, Princess 2, also a blond, wears her hair very long and is wearing a flowing dress that has an intricate pattern sewn into the bodice.  Her ears, where they show through he hair, are pointy, and her crown sits proudly atop her head.  She maintains a very regal presence}

{microphone cuts in on Princess 1 mid-speech}
Princess 1:  -mean, have you seen him?  He’s short, fat, hairy, and has a huge ego!  He’s always going on about how “It’s a-him!”  It’s so fucking annoying!

Maury: But he protects you, and rescues you from danger, right?

P1:  Bullshit!  If he wasn’t constantly playing “Plumbers” {P1 uses air quotes} with that creepy co-dependent brother of his, then I wouldn't be constantly kidnapped!  And I swear.  To. God.  He actually hired that pervy bastard with the replica castles to kidnap me just so he could always rescue me!

Maury: Do you have proof?

P1: Well, no…but still, I hate always having to dress up in frilly pink dresses and long wigs just so he can gets his jollies!  But I don’t have to do that with Zee.
{Camera zooms in as P1 looks over at P2 with great fondness}

P1:  She loves me for Who I am, not for What I am!
{camera lingers over the princesses as P1 places her other hand over P2’s that clasps her other one, and P2 squeezes it affectionately}

Maury:  And Zee, how does your man feel about all this?

{P2 – Zee- shrugs}
Zee:  Why don’t you ask him?

Maury:  Good idea!  Joining us via satellite link-up is Ell.  Ell, how do you feel about all this?

{the face that appears on the screen looks young, but his eyes look old before their time.  The man-child is dressed in somewhat anachronistic clothes, and there appears to be the hilt of a sword protruding up behind his back}

{The boy/man shrugs at Maury’s question}
Ell:  Why the hell should I care who she sleeps with?  I’m only her bodyguard.

Maury: Only her bodyguard?  But you’ve been through so much to save her time after time!  There has to be something more there to risk so much to save her!”

{Ell shakes his head and laughs}
Ell:  Nah, man there isn’t!  She pays me a shit-ton of cash, and I haul her bacon outta the fire time after time.  Besides, everyone knows that I’ve been pretty serious with that farmgirl for awhile now!

Maury:  So, you’ve never been, ah, intimate with Zee?

Ell:  Dude, no!  A bodyguard never gets involved with his client!  Besides, butch dykes don’t do it for me.

Maury: So you’ve never been in a three-way?

Ell:  Not with Zee, no.
{a mischievous twinkle enters Ell’s eyes}
Ell:  But I did convince my girl to have a go with me and this hot foreign exchange student that was here from some dark continent, or dark land, or some such shit.  Man, that was hot!

{the crowd hoots and hollers at this, and Ell grins a huge shit-eating grin}

Maury:  Okay folks, we have to take a break now, but joins us after the commercials when a surprise guest comes on to confront our two lovely lesbian princesses!

{the camera pans back over the crowd before cutting to backstage and the image of a bunch of daisies sitting on an empty chair}

Your ADD-Induced WTF?!

Ectomo has a semi-regular feature called "Your Daily WTF".  Don't worry, I'm not going to try and start my own version; not when theirs is so much more WTF-y.  However, I did feel the need borrow the idea to present the last stop on the ADD-train wreck that was my night. 

I give you...the eight minute musical grand finale of Xanadu!

I Like the Way You Smurf It

I have this song lyric stuck in my head.  It goes "I like the way you Smurf it! (No Smurfitty!) I wanna smurf it up!".  Now, obviously Teddy Riley would strangle me with my own intestines if he heard me sing it in his presence, but I still feel the need to inflict introduce this version to the rest of the world.  Alas, due to an innate ability to turn art into shite as soon pen touches paper, I am unable to present it in the my chosen way.

You see, while singing that line to myself I was overcome by a vision - a vision of Harmony, Hefty, Vanity, and Jokey Smurf dancing on stage, with a dapper Brainy Smurf singing the song.  The camera cuts between the male Smurfs dancing, and Smurfette, her little white dress slimmed down to a slinky white satin evening gown, dancing seductively against a wall. 

In my head I can see it as the camera swings in on Brainy and his posse.  They do a couple steps, swaying to the music as the camera swoops in on them.  After a couple beats, the camera cuts to where Smurfette is slowly walking up a red carpet, and then it cuts back to where Brainy and posse begin to sing.  "I like the way you Smurf it!" Brainy croons as Smurfette's satin clad hips sway into the camera's field of view as she enters a club.  "No Smurffity!" responds his posse; Vanity smiling into his mirror, Hefty flexing, Jokey prepping one of his gift boxes, and Harmony with shades down, working the mixing table.  The camera cuts back to Smurfette as she pauses at the edge of the bar and poses, then does a fade back to Brainy as he says "I'd like to Smurf it up!".

It would be magical.  It would be amazing.  it would be animated.

Alas, as I intimated above, I cannot draw for shite, and my little 3rd grade stick figures would not be enough to convey the magnificent spectacle that would be "A Very Smurfy BLACKstreet Tribute".

Alas.

It Made Me Laugh Aloud

The first robin of spring.

Just Because

I Needed a Reason to Post This

I was just holding my friend's cat in my arms, snuggling with the cute little poopstain, when I suddenly smelled a most wretched aroma.  The little bastard had farted in my face!  And let me tell you, there is little more rancid than the smell of an animal fart.  Whether it be dogs or cats, those little beasts can produce the most gawdawful stench!

What else?  Oh, yes...Samsung makes some really sturdy cell phones.  My little four-tear old phone got sent through the wash twice in as many weeks, and it still works!  However, now I have a Motorola (something I am not entirely pleased with, but I did choose it) and a new Utah number.  I just need to remember to cancel my old Atlanta one.

More?  Oh yes, there's more.  If you are ever getting ready for work and you pause with indecision over whether or not to take your snow boots with you, take them.  The inconvenience of transporting them and not using them that particular day, will be far out-weighed by the delicious feeling of dry feet on the day which you do need them.  If you need further convincing, then read this cautionary tale.

Still want more?  You won't after this.  It is a very special episode of The Smurfs that was commissioned by UNICEF.  To say more would be criminal.  Enjoy!

RAPEBEAR is Awesome!

I had a couple friends read this last night, and they both agreed with me that RAPEBEAR is funny and cures cancer.  Through rape.  SpnCram then sent me a little picture via DS Pictochat of RAPEBEAR ejaculating a rainbow, and at the end of the rainbow was a pot of gold.  That is how awesome RAPEBEAR is.

Witness the glory that is RAPEBEAR.

F***ing Matt Damon