A Bureaucracy of One

YiEMB - Simon's Cat

Every cat owner knows these are true, and that no artistic license was used to exaggerate events for comedic effect.

Channeling My Inner Emo

Grey Clouds gather holding forth
The false promise of rain
My heavy eyelids
Pregnant with ennui lift
Upward as I shift 
My bored gaze to the sky

For 16 years I have struggled
Through the challenges of the damned
For the burdens of Tantalus and Sisyphus
Are mine to bear

None save the dark lords of Byzantium
Know the depth of my pain
None save the abandoned by-blows of Cruelty
Share my plight

For I...I...am EMOCORE!

Swoosh Family Reunion

I'm looking at this picture I found online, and it is of this attractive asian woman dressed in a red bikini top and miniskirt, straddling a bicycle and leaning forward so that the hem of her mini-skirt is just inching barely over the bottom curve of her buttocks.

However, instead of admiring the view, all I can think about is how her pose makes the back strap of the bikini top, where it curves around to cover her right breast, look like the Nike Swoosh.

In Chats Veritas

Friend: smartass

Me: yes, well, if no one else will appreciate my genius, then I might as well bask in my own glory

Friend: is that a euphamism?

Me: no, but it is a sad statement about my life that it works as one

Friend: hahahah

My Proudest Moment This Week

In the Year 8585

I took this picture of my milage this morning, 

and it inspired my to post this...

(Crank up the volume, the sound quality isn't the best)

Rammstein vs. Winnie the Pooh - Ich Will

via zarucki.soup.io(somewhat NSFW)

Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me

Monty Python Meets Star Trek

Black Dynamite!

WARNING! The below trailer is NSFW for Nudity, Foul Language, and Black Dynamite Putting the Smack Down on some Jive Motherf***ers!

Film reportedly sold at Sundance to Sony Pictures for $2 Million, which means we will get to see it in it's glorious Anamorphic Douvision soon!

One Moment of Perfect Beauty - Join the Social

I first saw this over on Boing Boing Gadgets this morning, only to see it featured on Ectomo later this afternoon.  However, since I know the few of you who do read my blog probably don't read those sites (and more's the pity, really) I decided to post it here as well.

When I first had the idea for my One Moment of Perfect Beauty category, I envisioned posting anything and everything that to me encapsulates just that.  The definition of what a "moment" is being very elastic, I wanted to be able to post songs; poems; pictures; or even video clips such as the one below.

WARNING!  Video is mildly NSFW!!

Zune Paint from Sibling Rivalry on Vimeo.

And yes, I do think it is beautiful.  

On Reasons to NOT Get a Golden Doodle

Otter writes and draws one of my favorite webcomics, A Girl and Her Fed, and on occasion, she has shared details of the disaster that is life with her parents' golden doodle, Toby aka Filthspigot.  Let me tell you, from what Otter has relayed in her blog posts, the dog has earned that moniker!

I bring this up now because Otter has written an open letter to President-Elect Obama on what sort of dog NOT to get his daughters, and posted it to her LJ.  Read it as not only is it a cautionary tale of a run-away eugenics program by god dog breeders, but it is also gut-bustingly funny!

John Hodgman - A Brief Digression on Matters of Lost Time

Humorist John Hodgman gives forth on how we are never alone in this universe, even when we are certain we are.

Found via Boing Boing.

Youtube is Eating My Brain - Farts are Funny

At first I was going to showcase the beautiful and talented Clara Belle once more, as she has added three new videos since I featured her this past June.  However, for some reason her fifth video was not showing up on my playlist, so I moved to Plan B, which would have been to finally have a Morcheeba playlist!

Then I took a look at all my previous YiEMB's and realized that I have been a little heavy on the music video playlists.  Thus, I decided to hold Morcheeba in abeyance for another time, and went with something a little more highbrow.  Farts!

First up is a couple of farting monkeys, followed by a Jurassic farting contest, and a nasal assault in a bathtub.  Capping it off is a clip about the dangers of farting on the battlefield.

Enjoy!

Found via Boing Boing.

Today on Maury Povich – Princesses Who Love Princesses!

{camera pans over two women sitting next to each other, hands tightly clasped.  The one on the right, Princess 1, has her blond hair really short in a butch cut with her tiara perched haphazardly atop her head, wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog tee shirt, Carhartt’s, and work boots; her partner, Princess 2, also a blond, wears her hair very long and is wearing a flowing dress that has an intricate pattern sewn into the bodice.  Her ears, where they show through he hair, are pointy, and her crown sits proudly atop her head.  She maintains a very regal presence}

{microphone cuts in on Princess 1 mid-speech}
Princess 1:  -mean, have you seen him?  He’s short, fat, hairy, and has a huge ego!  He’s always going on about how “It’s a-him!”  It’s so fucking annoying!

Maury: But he protects you, and rescues you from danger, right?

P1:  Bullshit!  If he wasn’t constantly playing “Plumbers” {P1 uses air quotes} with that creepy co-dependent brother of his, then I wouldn't be constantly kidnapped!  And I swear.  To. God.  He actually hired that pervy bastard with the replica castles to kidnap me just so he could always rescue me!

Maury: Do you have proof?

P1: Well, no…but still, I hate always having to dress up in frilly pink dresses and long wigs just so he can gets his jollies!  But I don’t have to do that with Zee.
{Camera zooms in as P1 looks over at P2 with great fondness}

P1:  She loves me for Who I am, not for What I am!
{camera lingers over the princesses as P1 places her other hand over P2’s that clasps her other one, and P2 squeezes it affectionately}

Maury:  And Zee, how does your man feel about all this?

{P2 – Zee- shrugs}
Zee:  Why don’t you ask him?

Maury:  Good idea!  Joining us via satellite link-up is Ell.  Ell, how do you feel about all this?

{the face that appears on the screen looks young, but his eyes look old before their time.  The man-child is dressed in somewhat anachronistic clothes, and there appears to be the hilt of a sword protruding up behind his back}

{The boy/man shrugs at Maury’s question}
Ell:  Why the hell should I care who she sleeps with?  I’m only her bodyguard.

Maury: Only her bodyguard?  But you’ve been through so much to save her time after time!  There has to be something more there to risk so much to save her!”

{Ell shakes his head and laughs}
Ell:  Nah, man there isn’t!  She pays me a shit-ton of cash, and I haul her bacon outta the fire time after time.  Besides, everyone knows that I’ve been pretty serious with that farmgirl for awhile now!

Maury:  So, you’ve never been, ah, intimate with Zee?

Ell:  Dude, no!  A bodyguard never gets involved with his client!  Besides, butch dykes don’t do it for me.

Maury: So you’ve never been in a three-way?

Ell:  Not with Zee, no.
{a mischievous twinkle enters Ell’s eyes}
Ell:  But I did convince my girl to have a go with me and this hot foreign exchange student that was here from some dark continent, or dark land, or some such shit.  Man, that was hot!

{the crowd hoots and hollers at this, and Ell grins a huge shit-eating grin}

Maury:  Okay folks, we have to take a break now, but joins us after the commercials when a surprise guest comes on to confront our two lovely lesbian princesses!

{the camera pans back over the crowd before cutting to backstage and the image of a bunch of daisies sitting on an empty chair}

Ectomo has a semi-regular feature called "Your Daily WTF".  Don't worry, I'm not going to try and start my own version; not when theirs is so much more WTF-y.  However, I did feel the need borrow the idea to present the last stop on the ADD-train wreck that was my night. 

I give you...the eight minute musical grand finale of Xanadu!

I have this song lyric stuck in my head.  It goes "I like the way you Smurf it! (No Smurfitty!) I wanna smurf it up!".  Now, obviously Teddy Riley would strangle me with my own intestines if he heard me sing it in his presence, but I still feel the need to inflict introduce this version to the rest of the world.  Alas, due to an innate ability to turn art into shite as soon pen touches paper, I am unable to present it in the my chosen way.

You see, while singing that line to myself I was overcome by a vision - a vision of Harmony, Hefty, Vanity, and Jokey Smurf dancing on stage, with a dapper Brainy Smurf singing the song.  The camera cuts between the male Smurfs dancing, and Smurfette, her little white dress slimmed down to a slinky white satin evening gown, dancing seductively against a wall. 

In my head I can see it as the camera swings in on Brainy and his posse.  They do a couple steps, swaying to the music as the camera swoops in on them.  After a couple beats, the camera cuts to where Smurfette is slowly walking up a red carpet, and then it cuts back to where Brainy and posse begin to sing.  "I like the way you Smurf it!" Brainy croons as Smurfette's satin clad hips sway into the camera's field of view as she enters a club.  "No Smurffity!" responds his posse; Vanity smiling into his mirror, Hefty flexing, Jokey prepping one of his gift boxes, and Harmony with shades down, working the mixing table.  The camera cuts back to Smurfette as she pauses at the edge of the bar and poses, then does a fade back to Brainy as he says "I'd like to Smurf it up!".

It would be magical.  It would be amazing.  it would be animated.

Alas, as I intimated above, I cannot draw for shite, and my little 3rd grade stick figures would not be enough to convey the magnificent spectacle that would be "A Very Smurfy BLACKstreet Tribute".

Alas.

The first robin of spring.

I was just holding my friend's cat in my arms, snuggling with the cute little poopstain, when I suddenly smelled a most wretched aroma.  The little bastard had farted in my face!  And let me tell you, there is little more rancid than the smell of an animal fart.  Whether it be dogs or cats, those little beasts can produce the most gawdawful stench!

What else?  Oh, yes...Samsung makes some really sturdy cell phones.  My little four-tear old phone got sent through the wash twice in as many weeks, and it still works!  However, now I have a Motorola (something I am not entirely pleased with, but I did choose it) and a new Utah number.  I just need to remember to cancel my old Atlanta one.

More?  Oh yes, there's more.  If you are ever getting ready for work and you pause with indecision over whether or not to take your snow boots with you, take them.  The inconvenience of transporting them and not using them that particular day, will be far out-weighed by the delicious feeling of dry feet on the day which you do need them.  If you need further convincing, then read this cautionary tale.

Still want more?  You won't after this.  It is a very special episode of The Smurfs that was commissioned by UNICEF.  To say more would be criminal.  Enjoy!

I had a couple friends read this last night, and they both agreed with me that RAPEBEAR is funny and cures cancer.  Through rape.  SpnCram then sent me a little picture via DS Pictochat of RAPEBEAR ejaculating a rainbow, and at the end of the rainbow was a pot of gold.  That is how awesome RAPEBEAR is.

Witness the glory that is RAPEBEAR.

"The Front Fell Off!"

The Power of Christ Complells Him

Found via Boing Boing.

It Came to Me While in the Shower

Today on Maury Povich – Princesses Who Love Princesses!

{camera pans over two women sitting next to each other, hands tightly clasped.  The one on the right, Princess 1, has her blond hair really short in a butch cut with her tiara perched haphazardly atop her head, wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog tee shirt, Carhartt’s, and work boots; her partner, Princess 2, also a blond, wears her hair very long and is wearing a flowing dress that has an intricate pattern sewn into the bodice.  Her ears, where they show through he hair, are pointy, and her crown sits proudly atop her head.  She maintains a very regal presence}

{microphone cuts in on Princess 1 mid-speech}
Princess 1:  -mean, have you seen him?  He’s short, fat, hairy, and has a huge ego!  He’s always going on about how “It’s a-him!”  It’s so fucking annoying!

Maury: But he protects you, and rescues you from danger, right?

P1:  Bullshit!  If he wasn’t constantly playing “Plumbers” {P1 uses air quotes} with that creepy co-dependent brother of his, then I wouldn't be constantly kidnapped!  And I swear.  To. God.  He actually hired that pervy bastard with the replica castles to kidnap me just so he could always rescue me!

Maury: Do you have proof?

P1: Well, no…but still, I hate always having to dress up in frilly pink dresses and long wigs just so he can gets his jollies!  But I don’t have to do that with Zee.
{Camera zooms in as P1 looks over at P2 with great fondness}

P1:  She loves me for Who I am, not for What I am!
{camera lingers over the princesses as P1 places her other hand over P2’s that clasps her other one, and P2 squeezes it affectionately}

Maury:  And Zee, how does your man feel about all this?

{P2 – Zee- shrugs}
Zee:  Why don’t you ask him?

Maury:  Good idea!  Joining us via satellite link-up is Ell.  Ell, how do you feel about all this?

{the face that appears on the screen looks young, but his eyes look old before their time.  The man-child is dressed in somewhat anachronistic clothes, and there appears to be the hilt of a sword protruding up behind his back}

{The boy/man shrugs at Maury’s question}
Ell:  Why the hell should I care who she sleeps with?  I’m only her bodyguard.

Maury: Only her bodyguard?  But you’ve been through so much to save her time after time!  There has to be something more there to risk so much to save her!”

{Ell shakes his head and laughs}
Ell:  Nah, man there isn’t!  She pays me a shit-ton of cash, and I haul her bacon outta the fire time after time.  Besides, everyone knows that I’ve been pretty serious with that farmgirl for awhile now!

Maury:  So, you’ve never been, ah, intimate with Zee?

Ell:  Dude, no!  A bodyguard never gets involved with his client!  Besides, butch dykes don’t do it for me.

Maury: So you’ve never been in a three-way?

Ell:  Not with Zee, no.
{a mischievous twinkle enters Ell’s eyes}
Ell:  But I did convince my girl to have a go with me and this hot foreign exchange student that was here from some dark continent, or dark land, or some such shit.  Man, that was hot!

{the crowd hoots and hollers at this, and Ell grins a huge shit-eating grin}

Maury:  Okay folks, we have to take a break now, but joins us after the commercials when a surprise guest comes on to confront our two lovely lesbian princesses!

{the camera pans back over the crowd before cutting to backstage and the image of a bunch of daisies sitting on an empty chair}

Your ADD-Induced WTF?!

Ectomo has a semi-regular feature called "Your Daily WTF".  Don't worry, I'm not going to try and start my own version; not when theirs is so much more WTF-y.  However, I did feel the need borrow the idea to present the last stop on the ADD-train wreck that was my night. 

I give you...the eight minute musical grand finale of Xanadu!

I Like the Way You Smurf It

I have this song lyric stuck in my head.  It goes "I like the way you Smurf it! (No Smurfitty!) I wanna smurf it up!".  Now, obviously Teddy Riley would strangle me with my own intestines if he heard me sing it in his presence, but I still feel the need to inflict introduce this version to the rest of the world.  Alas, due to an innate ability to turn art into shite as soon pen touches paper, I am unable to present it in the my chosen way.

You see, while singing that line to myself I was overcome by a vision - a vision of Harmony, Hefty, Vanity, and Jokey Smurf dancing on stage, with a dapper Brainy Smurf singing the song.  The camera cuts between the male Smurfs dancing, and Smurfette, her little white dress slimmed down to a slinky white satin evening gown, dancing seductively against a wall. 

In my head I can see it as the camera swings in on Brainy and his posse.  They do a couple steps, swaying to the music as the camera swoops in on them.  After a couple beats, the camera cuts to where Smurfette is slowly walking up a red carpet, and then it cuts back to where Brainy and posse begin to sing.  "I like the way you Smurf it!" Brainy croons as Smurfette's satin clad hips sway into the camera's field of view as she enters a club.  "No Smurffity!" responds his posse; Vanity smiling into his mirror, Hefty flexing, Jokey prepping one of his gift boxes, and Harmony with shades down, working the mixing table.  The camera cuts back to Smurfette as she pauses at the edge of the bar and poses, then does a fade back to Brainy as he says "I'd like to Smurf it up!".

It would be magical.  It would be amazing.  it would be animated.

Alas, as I intimated above, I cannot draw for shite, and my little 3rd grade stick figures would not be enough to convey the magnificent spectacle that would be "A Very Smurfy BLACKstreet Tribute".

Alas.

It Made Me Laugh Aloud

The first robin of spring.

Just Because

I Needed a Reason to Post This

I was just holding my friend's cat in my arms, snuggling with the cute little poopstain, when I suddenly smelled a most wretched aroma.  The little bastard had farted in my face!  And let me tell you, there is little more rancid than the smell of an animal fart.  Whether it be dogs or cats, those little beasts can produce the most gawdawful stench!

What else?  Oh, yes...Samsung makes some really sturdy cell phones.  My little four-tear old phone got sent through the wash twice in as many weeks, and it still works!  However, now I have a Motorola (something I am not entirely pleased with, but I did choose it) and a new Utah number.  I just need to remember to cancel my old Atlanta one.

More?  Oh yes, there's more.  If you are ever getting ready for work and you pause with indecision over whether or not to take your snow boots with you, take them.  The inconvenience of transporting them and not using them that particular day, will be far out-weighed by the delicious feeling of dry feet on the day which you do need them.  If you need further convincing, then read this cautionary tale.

Still want more?  You won't after this.  It is a very special episode of The Smurfs that was commissioned by UNICEF.  To say more would be criminal.  Enjoy!

RAPEBEAR is Awesome!

I had a couple friends read this last night, and they both agreed with me that RAPEBEAR is funny and cures cancer.  Through rape.  SpnCram then sent me a little picture via DS Pictochat of RAPEBEAR ejaculating a rainbow, and at the end of the rainbow was a pot of gold.  That is how awesome RAPEBEAR is.

Witness the glory that is RAPEBEAR.

F***ing Matt Damon